My Bell Jar

afternoon nap

2012-01-31T10:31:00.004-05:00

Micah's morning nap used to be my get 'er done time. (that is, until he stopped sleeping - except today, a rare morning nap that i am so thankful for)
most mornings now i get stuff done with him underfoot, not as easy, but possible.

if you have kids i'm sure you know what i mean - if i hadn't gotten in the shower yet, i'd shower
if i had, i'd put some "paint on the barn" as my mom likes to say,
do the dishes, throw in a load of laundry,
reheat my coffee for the 14th time and try to finally finish it while it's still hot
then sit on my bed and do my bible study for the day.

that's why, during his afternoon nap, i feel no guilt doing this.
nothing, nada, zilch, zero.
many days, when i finally feed Micah and lay him down at around 2pm
i usually scarf a little lunch while standing at the kitchen counter (if i haven't eaten already, which i often have not) and then slowly tiptoe up to my room with a book, or my laptop or to watch reruns of What Not to Wear while curled up under the covers of my electric blanket.

or like yesterday, my work day - after laying him down to sleep i brought my work laptop up to bed, turned on my electric blanket and began to work under the covers. little did i know that the warmth would get to me and i found myself waking up exactly 2 minutes before a conference call i had to be on after an unplanned 45 minute nap. i never do that, but i'll admit, i needed it and it felt good.

...just one of the perks of stay-at-home momdom i guess.

climbing stairs

2012-01-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

last week, under close supervision, Micah made it up two stairs all by himself.
a few nights later, with Curtis right behind him, he climbed up the entire flight all by himself.
this made me both a proud momma and a terrified one.
see, i've fallen down this exact flight of stairs exactly twice - from top to bottom.
both times i laid on the ground at the bottom with thoughts of being a paraplegic flashing through my mind.
the first time i had little bruises up my spine for days
the second time i had a bruise the size of a watermelon (not even kidding) on the outside of my thigh for weeks.
so to say i'm not a little intimidated by a baby who can go up (but not down) stairs by himself would be a lie.
i have a feeling (because my mom told me) i'm going to be spending a lot of time on these stairs in the coming months, teaching him how to scale up and down safely.

first tooth

2012-01-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

a few weeks ago this teething boy finally popped his first tooth.
for goodness sakes, he's over 11 months old already, it was about darn time
i was starting to wonder if he had teeth under those gums of his.
(although, i won't complain, because a no-teeth baby is easier to nurse!)

then last week, the poor thing woke up in the middle of the night,
let out a low, slow moan, and then went back to sleep a few minutes later.
the next morning we noticed he was cutting 5 more teeth at once.
four on the top, and one more on the bottom
and while it's not as bad as i feared it would be, actually, he's been a trouper
i can't imagine teeth cutting through my gums on a daily basis like that - ouch!

meal planning

2012-01-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

i know a lot of people do weekly meal planning,
but while i've tried numerous times i've found that it's just not my style.

but here is what i do:

once a month i pack up Micah, my stack of reusable shopping bags (including my huge blue one from Ikea) and a quarter (for the cart) and we head across town to Aldi.

I usually spent at least 3/4 of my month's food budget (which to be honest, compared to most i've talked to, isn't a lot) but you cannot beat the prices there (and we've found that the quality of almost everything has been excellent)

While there i buy almost everything i need for meals for the month (i do make more frequent dairy/produce trips at Trader Joes/Giant Eagle/Target throughout the month) but the majority is purchased at Aldi.

When i get home i unload my loot and then sit down with a pen and piece of paper and list out all the meals i could make with what i just bought, then, as the month goes on, i can just glance at that list and decide on a day-to-day basis what i feel like making that day (usually starting with the most perishable items first)

while i have my go to staples in my pantry at all times - like black beans, canned corn, chick peas, salsa, etc...there are times that i do make a special trip for a specific product (udon noodles for example, which aren't typically found at Aldi)

it works for me, but i'm curious...

how do you mean plan? grocery shop? cook for your family?

*easy thai peanut-y noodles:

udon noodles (cooked according to package)
cooked chicken (shredded rotisserie chicken, boiled or grilled)
variety of raw veggies (shredded cabbage, carrot, pea pods, bean sprouts, cucumber)
target's thai peanut sauce (i've also made it homemade before with peanut butter, sesame oil, chili paste, soy sauce, ect)
splash of soy
optional garnish: lime wedges and chopped cilantro

because sometimes chapstick is enough, but sometimes only a red lip will do

2012-01-21T12:58:00.000-05:00

i have a lot of mac makeup due to my sister's awesome job hookup
so although i rarely go anywhere that requires a red lip
sometimes you just gotta rock it on a Thursday

and other times a nude lip along with neutral tank and sweater is where it's at

mandatory feet shot

2012-01-20T07:51:00.000-05:00

sometimes i take pictures of micah's feet
sometimes i take pictures of my feet
sometimes i forget to put shoes on for a walk around the block
(and i wonder why my slippers always end up smelling)
but some of the best feet shots are of us together

he may scoff at my little tootsie obsession but i think deep down he thinks it's endearing

the only thing that could make this shot better is a little pair of size 3 soft-soled little brown boots standing next to us (supported, of course, because he can't walk yet)

just because i like him so darn much

2012-01-19T08:56:00.000-05:00

we've had a rough couple weeks of morning naps.
i've jokingly referred to it as our #morningnapshowdown, but the truth is i'm struggling
my usual happy, smiley, giggly kid turns into satan-incarnate when the clock strikes 10am.
and depending how much patience i have on any given morning i can last 30 minutes to an hour and a half.

these shots were taken on the rare morning when he was in his crib happy and not sobbing/crying/tears streaming/drool drooling/snot dripping when i finally broke down and got the little stubborn rascal.

1 month until 1, or my 11 month old baby

2012-01-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

i kinda just want to cry today.
as of 11:12 am this morning, my kid is exactly a month away from his first birthday.
i can't even stand the thought of measuring his life in years and not months.

this last month was FULL of growth for this big guy.
developmentally, we have seen him grow so much in just the last few weeks
it's incredible
i wonder if we'll have the same awe with the milestones our next bambino reaches
i've heard you do

in the last four weeks micah has finally started getting his first tooth
(although this nursing mom is not complaining that it took so long)
he has begun to pull himself up onto everything and cruising around at a rapid rate
he has learned to clap
he has learned to wave hello and goodbey
he reaches his arms to the sky when we say "how big is Micah?"
he is beginning to understand and mimic (sporadically) a few signs like milk, hungry, all done, eat
he says "momma" and "dadda"(i think) with true understanding of who he is talking about (case in point, when he is upset with me he 100% of the time calls for "dadda"

his babyhood is slowly diminishing in light of his impending birthday and i am both thrilled and saddened.

now i'm off to go figure out how exactly to go about weaning. again, thrilled and saddened.

(not so) quiet time

2012-01-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

at church on new year's day our pastor challenged us to really make time reading the bible every day of the first month of this year. so while i missed the first two days, i have really tried hard to make it a priority. my typical time to spend some time with the Lord is during Micah's morning nap time - so although he hasn't been sleeping, i do still enjoy popping him in his bed then plopping myself on mine to spend some time in the word whether or not the background noise is filled with cries and yells for dada (he always calls for his daddy when i'm being "mean momma"!!!)

but last night i had resigned myself to drop his morning nap. i went to bed with thoughts of how a new one nap a day schedule would allow me some morning quiet time. this morning, however, i decided to give him one more shot. and what do you know - within minutes he was sound asleep. i guess he's not ready to give it up quiet yet.

*p.s. as usual, by this time in the morning my coffee had been reheated in the microwave at least 3 times - which explains the gross "skin" on the top of my remaining coffee and on the sides of my mug. i have a problem where i can't drink coffee unless it is scalding hot - and by scalding hot i mean burn my tongue every morning hot.

on fashion

2012-01-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

i like fashion
i like getting dressed in the morning
i like to browse fashion blogs for inspiration

i think creativity can manifest itself through many different facets of life

through writing (even if it's 'just a blog')
through the meals you cook for your family
through keeping your home a place where you love to be

and also through your own personal sense of style

now, i'll be the first to admit, while i don't shlump around most days in sweats (i prefer to save them for the after dinner hours!), i am far from a fashionista.
but i do think i have my own sense of style, what i usually gravitate towards and what generally works for me.
and i like to find inspiration in a variety of places - on blogs, browsing{pinterest}, even while doing errands.

the above photos do not showcase my typical style - at least not now that i'm a stay-at-home mom
these pictures were taken a couple months ago when i decided to dress up for church
i usually wear jeans or something equally as casual.
it was a day i felt cute.
it was an outfit that reminded me that really the only, and i mean only, thing i missed about heading into an office every day was the chance to throw on a pair of heels, or a skirt, or a cute little blazer (or all at once) and feel put together.

most days i can be spotted wearing skinny jeans tucked into boots, a tank top or t, some sort of colored cardigan and scarf - usually one of these items is striped, another leopard print...
throw in a big ring, a stack of bracelets to go with my favorite gold watch and maybe my faux fur vest and that's about it

my style is simple but maybe just a bit quirky, layered, but textured, and i am starting to really like the mixing of prints - stripes with animal print, or plaid with floral

before Micah was born i made a conscious decision to wake up every day, whether we had somewhere to go or not, and get up and ready like we had places to be. i take a shower, do my hair, put on some makeup and usually get dressed up 'decently' even though on some of those early days i didn't leave the couch. it think it has (in part) helped me keep my sense of self/style in this new world called motherhood that so quickly can become the eye of a tornado centered around a baby.

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say here really, and i guess that's okay.
maybe i'm trying to justify my purchase of a pair of yellow jeans on sale at anthropologie when i already have a stack of jeans in my closet. or the striped jcrew blazer i got off of ebay with some christmas cash. maybe it's just one of my ways to express myself and be creative. not the only way, but one of the many ways.

...and maybe every once in a while i'll pop on here and show you what i've been wearing.

on feeling daunted and a change in perspective

2012-01-15T09:23:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself when it comes to this here blog
Thinking I have to be serious, or deep or thought-provoking, when the truth is, I am rarely any of those things
I just don't want you to have this impression of me that my every day life is all poetic and prose
Because it's not
I guess I've just felt like in order to make good use of this little space I had to wait until I had something 'important' to say and in the meantime i'm missing out on all the little unpolished gems of our daily, typical, usual, normal life.
I've found that pictures help
And with them you often need less words
So as you might have noticed in my last couple posts I've tried write a little about a few brief moments in time simply because I want to remember them
Less pressure and then hopefully this little corner of the web won't feel so daunting to me in the spaces between my more serious rambles.

sled riding

2012-01-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

my aunt & uncle loaned us their wooden sled from when their kids were little.
so when the snow finally came the first week of January we were eager to see how Micah liked it.
and like most things, he took to it like he was born in the snow.
he kept reaching his mittened hand down to scoop up the snow and stuff it in his mouth.
he didn't even mind the forced snow angel we made him make before we brought him back into the warmth of our little home.

winter wagoning

2012-01-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

for Christmas my parents bought Micah this red wagon.
it was the same one we had when we were kids

this weekend it was nice enough outside to take if for the first ride around our neighborhood.
it was a little bumpy but he seemed to enjoy it - even as he slowly slid down because his mittened hands couldn't grip the sides.

nap time showdown

2012-01-12T15:36:00.003-05:00

if you're friends with me on facebook or instagram you've probably already seen this photo.
this was yesterday at morning nap time.

a nap time showdown if i've ever seen one.

it started a week ago.
he realized that during his morning nap, he could pull himself up and cruise around his crib instead of sleeping.
since then he's actually fallen asleep once - yesterday - after this screenshot was taken.

i was in the kitchen keeping an eye on him as i was prepping the night's dinner when i glanced over and saw this.
it was like he knew i was watching him through the webcam we have looking down on his crib,
mocking me.

so i went up there, laid him down (again) and said, "Micah, you need to take a rest now," and walked out of the room to the sound of sobs

Minutes later this is what i saw:

i might've won the nap time showdown yesterday, but today was another story.

the difference a year makes

2011-12-31T10:57:00.002-05:00

it's funny how a year can change everything, and nothing

last year, we went out for sushi & thai food with good friends on new year's eve

then, big and pregnant, we went back to their house to watch Shrek with their three little girls

i was exhausted, so we left well before midnight, before the movie was over

even the littlest one stayed up later than i could that night

this year, our plans are the same

the same restaurant, the same little girls, only each a year older

a different movie at their house for a different year

and we will probably pack up and go before midnight again no doubt

the only difference will be the little guy we'll tuck to sleep at their house

cozy in his pack and play and footie pj's

the one we'll wake up when we're ready to go, all bed-headed and groggy

smiling sleepily as we pull on his puffy green coat

as we get ready to enter a new year with a not-so-new little boy

it's funny how a year can change everything, and nothing

***

may your new year be happy, hopeful & bright!

love,

the three of us

my christmas wish for you...

2011-12-25T06:42:00.000-05:00

wishing you...

peace in the midst of worry

I’m leaving you welland whole. That’s my parting gift to you. Peace.

-John 14:27

joy in the midst of sadness

hope in the midst of doubt

rest in the midst of weariness

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

-Matthew 11:28

faith in the midst of fear

Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?

-Romans 8:32

and every other good gift that only God can give.

this time last year

2011-12-23T20:07:00.001-05:00

On this day last year we were driving to Chicago for Christmas
I was hugely pregnant
And we must've made at least four potty stops on that 6 hour drive to his parents' house

I remember walking around for hours downtown in the snow and freezing cold with my big black puffer jacket wide open because my belly was too big to zip it up

I kept thinking how weird it would be next Christmas to have an almost one year old to celebrate with

Last Christmas my mind couldn't even fathom exactly what was growing inside me, or how it would make its way out, much less able to imagine what would transpire throughout an entire year

Now we're here. On the other side of birth, already planning for a sibling and watching that little baby grow into such a little boy.

It's crazy how quickly a year can feel.
Gone in a blink but slow as seconds ticking too.

It's a year that I will hide in my heart, like Mary, for all of my life. It was a wonderfully fast, yet exhaustingly slow year...and it's not even over yet.

adjectives & adverbs about my boy

2011-12-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

Dust-finder
Wheel-lover
Head-shaker
Army-crawler
Stand-upper
Bath-lover
Breast-feeder
Food-monger
Wood-knawer
Photo-smiler
Sweater pill-picker
Kid-watcher
Book-eater
Toy-hoarder
Hot sauce-licker
Graham cracker-muncher
Hair-puller
Button-biter
Cereal-muncher
Expert-sleeper
Sippy cup-slurper
Wide eyed-watcher
Finger holding-walker

these are the days

2011-12-04T20:14:00.001-05:00

Sometimes life's best when schedules fly out the window and you just roll with the day

Sans naps, a hood instead of a proper hat to shield the rain

With enough time to hold hands and push strollers on wet pavement

These are the days when car naps, reheated pizza for dinner and early bedtimes are savored like a decaf coffee in the late afternoon

These are the moments I'll miss oneday

Nursing in a baby gap nursing room filled with headless child-sized mannequins with one lone arm chair

Stopping at the bookstore for coffee and staying over an hour, holed up in the kids section playing with toy trains, him standing, fascinated by the table of wooden tracks,

For the little boy who said, "babies don't know how to play," and how he blushed with pride when I responded, "well, if you show him how, he can watch you and learn."

We set out to buy gifts but came home empty-handed but with bellies full of love for days like this

that end with a little boy in a pile of toys

and in bed, asleep, before the clock hit eight.

still thankful, even after thanksgiving...oh, the nerve

2011-12-01T09:11:00.001-05:00

every year, i hate the way that christmas is pushed further and further up the calendar.
before thanksgiving
before even halloween in some places.
i hate that autumn is rushed for the long winter that comes after.

i was not feeling the christmas spirit last week.
the switch in my brain on thanksgiving night didn't switch and i wasn't ready
didn't want to decorate for christmas, get a tree, go on the hunt for presents.
i just felt blah about it all.

but we did it anyways.

last friday, before the thanksgiving leftovers were even eaten
we went with Curtis' family to the tree farm about an hour and a half south of here
we took a slay/hay ride (in 60 degree weather mind you), browsed their shop of holiday cheer,
had a nice lunch, and we even stopped at lowe's on the way home to pick out our tree
(we decided a few years ago that the hassle of tree cutting is overrated, and expensive),

we even decorated our little home that night, complete with christmas music, but it was just business for me - pull out the boxes, unwrap the ornaments, hang the kissing ball and practice with my boys.

let's get it done, i kept thinking, so when i do feel some holiday cheer kicking in, it will already be up and ready for my enjoyment.

but then Curtis grabbed Micah and held him up by the top of the tree - just like the photo i have of my dad and me on my first christmas, with my first christmas tree - and that did it.

just like that, i saw the holidays through the eyes of my son.
who last year was still kicking away in my belly
who can now crawl up to the tree if he wanted.

he may have no memories of his first christmas, but we'll have photos of him
hovering over his first tree, in footie pj's before the lights were strung and the tree skirt laid around the base of the stump.

and although i'm slowly letting the holiday spirit sink in with all of its gift giving and tree decorating,
i'm still trying hard to keep the little spaces of our home sacred.

and it's not easy.

so i guess i don't mind that i haven't fully gotten into the swing of holiday things quite yet. maybe i'd be wise to guard myself from some of the voices that tend to speak a little too loud into my ears this time of year anyways.

thankful

2011-11-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

"However God has dealt with us,

He has dealt with us better than we deserve;

and all in love, and for our good."

-Matthew Henry

...so we give thanks.

9 months in, 9 months out

2011-11-17T14:55:00.001-05:00

yesterday morning he woke up laughing. it was seriously the sweetest sound.
i didn't even want to go in and get him up, but just stand outside his door eavesdropping.

people ask me all the time if he's always such a good baby and i almost feel guilty saying yes.
we seriously couldn't have asked for a more laid back, sweet-tempered, content little guy.

it blows my mind that he has now been a part of our little world outside of me for as long as he was inside.

i thought i knew the extent of my love for him when i felt him kick inside, then i gave birth and that love multiplied by a billion - and now, with every month that passes i love him more.

last night when curtis walked in the back door micah saw him and let out the loudest, happiest squeal. i think we both melted right then and there. then curtis said, 'i've always wanted to walk in the door after work and have him waiting there, excited to see me.' i wish i had his reaction on video - it was a memory i'll never forget, and one that will be repeated over and over.

then, over dinner he said, 'i can't remember what it was like before him.'
and really, neither of us can. in 9 short months he has become so much a part of our family that it's hard to recall what life was like pre-micah. we both agreed we wasted a lot of time.

life is just so rich. and he keeps getting more and more fun. he cracks me up with his funny faces, his excited squeals, how he just started finding it funny to stick his tongue out at you. how extremely ticklish and giggly he gets at the oddest moments. how he sucks his thumb, but only when he's tired, how he loves cherrios and even at the sight of the big yellow box, his feet start kicking almost uncontrollable.

still no teeth, but he's got a pretty fast army crawl to remind us that he's approaching toddlerhood at a rapid rate. he loves wheels and balls and cars. any food that we offer he happily scarfs. he goes to sleep without a fuss and still nurses like a champ.

while it's crazy/exciting to think that in a few short months we will wean and it will be the last time i nurse for a while, i'll be honest, i will miss that bond that we share right now. the way he looks at me and plays with my hair at he eats.

when i was still weeks away from having him, a friend reminded me - 'you will never have this time again, so enjoy it, just the two of you.' and right now i feel similarly about our time now.

one day soon (or not-so-soon) our family of three will become a family of four. the timing is indefinite but the reality is there - so i'm making a conscious effort to enjoy this time, just me and my two boys, without rushing into the future too far.

we are in a good, happy place and while i know the next place will be a good one for us too, i am acutely aware that we will never have this time again, and i'm okay with that (thrilled, even) but not anxious to get there too fast.

why i hate to bake...

2011-11-16T15:55:00.001-05:00

i don't bake.

well, that's not really true. i do bake, but i don't like to.
the main reason why - i hate measuring things. i hate searching my cupboards and the back of my fridge for sugar and flour and vanilla. i hate remembering the difference between baking powder and baking soda, i hate letting butter get to room temperature...

i'd much rather make dinner - like today...

this morning during Micah's nap i decided to make green chicken chili for dinner.
so i got out the crock pot, plopped two large chicken breasts in the bottom,
dumped in a can of corn, a can of white beans, chopped an onion, emptied a small can of jalepenos and a jar of salsa verde and i was pretty much done.

no measuring, no timers, no little spoons and cups to clean up.

but something got me today and by the afternoon i was scouring {pinterest} for either an apple-y or a pumpkin-y sweet treat.

well, i couldn't decide, so while Micah played happily at my feet i took the opportunity, while spoons and bowls where already dirty and while all the ingredients were already out - to whip up these {chocolate chip pumpkin bars} and this {apple cake with brown sugar glaze}

i don't even like cake, but i've got at least 10 pounds of apples left to use and it looked like a treat my hubby would love, so i made it...and let me just tell you - as the glaze was cooling and seeping into every crack and crevice, i snuck a piece - and whoa - more like a breakfast-y sweet bread, it was divine.

i may or may not have brought the little plate up to my room with an afternoon cup of coffee to savor on my bed while Micah slept. There's nothing like pretending your eating breakfast in bed at 3pm. it was a great way to spend 5 minutes during naptime.

so, while i'll never chose baking over cooking, today might have changed all that.

now pardon me as i tiptoe downstairs to maybe try a pumpkin bar next.

the "a" word: how adoption has entered our vernacular once again

2011-11-03T15:02:00.000-04:00

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord."

-Psalm 113:9

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."

-John 14: 18

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you probably know our story.
if not, here it is in a nutshell:

we couldn't get pregnant - we tried for almost two years.

we started the process to adopt,

we got pregnant a month later,

and had a son

and to some, it would seem, that was that.

we now knew we could, in fact, conceive, and to many, it would seem like a no-brainer.

you want more kids? have another. You want a third, just get pregnant again.

it's easier than adopting, it's cheaper....trust me, we've heard it all.

but from the moment we learned we were pregnant, or even before that, we knew (and hoped) that adoption would still be part of the way God would grow our family.

so quickly had it become a part of us, this longing to give those who have no families, a family.

the abandoned a home.

the orphan, a father, a mother.

We have gotten many different responses to the news that we will not be trying to get pregnant with our next child. two such responses stick out in my mind more than some of the others...

Are you going to have any more of your own?

although we know what is meant by this comment - will you ever literally conceive and give birth to another baby again now that you know that it's possible - it still stings a bit.

our next child isn't even born yet, may not even have been conceived yet, but we know without a shadow of a doubt that wherever he or she is conceived, whether it be a hotel room, a prison, a bedroom in the projects,

wherever he's born -
whoever the woman is that also considers this child her own

this child will be our own as much as Micah is.

will the love be different? maybe. but will there be love? certainly.

will it be hard? maybe. worth it? absolutely.

the other comment we've more recently gotten is:

but if you don't adopt this baby, won't someone else just come along and adopt them?

and the answer is probably yes.

if we choose not to adopt this infant, there's a relatively good chance that someone else will adopt him or her.

however, that is not the case for all children. and there are no guarantees.

then i got to thinking - isn't that the case with most things?

if you don't do it, someone else probably will, right?

and for a moment it seems that idea makes our action a little less urgent, less necessary even.

but as i was thinking, debating what my responses should or shouldn't have been

i was struck with the thought...

but why not us?

we get to be a part of this amazing process.

and so what if we know that if we don't adopt this precious little life into our family, then someone else will.

we have the chance to be that family.

the opportunity. the privilege. it's overwhelming, but humbling and amazing all at once.

a close friend asked us recently why we want to adopt. partially playing devil's advocate, because they already knew our hearts as we have shared with them before. they are friends that in the course of three years (give or take), have had two biological children and have adopted two of their cousins, so they know the ups and downs of adoption first hand. so they asked us, what's the motivation to adopt for you guys?

our answer is three-fold, i think:

we feel called by God to do so - akin (we're assuming) to the call to become an overseas missionary. you feel the tug (the call, so to speak, and you follow - no matter how nerve-wracking, intimidating, bigger than you) you follow because you know that's the path you are to walk.

to paraphrase my dear friend {Kate} who has a biological daughter, a son who was adopted from Ethiopia and is now just waiting for the county's call that they have a child for them to foster/adopt: we want to be parents to more children, there are children out there who have no parents, so we adopt.

we believe that we have a great responsibility/privilege to point our children to the truth that because of Jesus' saving work on the cross, we all have the chance to not only be children in families, but also children of God! and the gift of adoption gives us the opportunity to share the good news of the gospel with a child that may never have gotten the chance to hear that message.

but, how do you know that if you don't share that with them, that some other family won't either?

and the truth is, we don't. maybe another family would...but again, why not us?

for the last month or so, our church has been studying the book of Exodus.

Last Sunday as our pastor taught on Moses and the plagues in Egypt,

he kept returning to his point that God's plan in saving Moses was bigger than just his salvation.

God used him to free the entire Israelite nation.
and further than that - to show all of Egypt that the Lord was the one true God.

Similarly, God's plan in saving me is bigger than just my salvation.

and we think that adoption is just a small part of that bigger story.

For a long time i felt like that barren woman in the verse above. i trusted that somehow, someway God would give us a family, but sometimes deep down, i doubted. don't we all?

There are times (many times) that i still doubt. where will we get the money? (adoption is expensive) how am i going to manage having two kids under two years old? (most likely)

but then we look back and see God's hand on our past -

a past where He withheld pregnancy,

where He offered adoption, not as second choice, but a just-as-good option.

and it was He who caused life to form inside when the possibility was a long shot.

with that in mind, and the future doesn't seem so daunting.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen."

So we move forward with that in mind.

We cannot wait to share with you as this journey unfolds...and we hope you'll continue to follow along down this new (to us) path.

Also, follow our progress along under the ::our adoption timeline:: tab at the top of my blog.

I know i was also curious about how long the adoption process took for other adoptive families when we were first researching adoption, what all was involved, etc...plus, it's a great way for us to look back and remember how far we've come as we try not to get overwhelmed by what all is left to do.

bittersweet october

2011-10-31T15:05:00.001-04:00

Bittersweet October.

The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking,

perfect pause between the opposing miseries

of summer and winter.

-Carol Bishop

happy october 31st

i am sad to see october end
november is too close to winter
but i have a half-eaten apple pie sitting on my stove
20 pounds of apples in a big wooden bowl on my counter
a corned beef in the crock pot
and beer bread in the oven
reminding me that autumn isn't over yet

on cars and cardboard boxes

2011-10-27T10:33:00.000-04:00

how is it that boys almost innately gravitate towards cars?

it was a couple weeks ago and my parents were babysitting Micah while we went to a friend's 30th birthday party.
my parents were simultaneously hosting a party and when we got back, they told us how Micah was enthralled by the cars my little cousin was playing with.
so she found a few larger ones for Micah to play with and he would moan and whine for them if someone (namely the little cousin) got jealous and took them away from him.

so the next day, i dug through some of Micah's toys and found the little set of three Ikea cars he got for Christmas last year when he was still tucked all small and cozy inside of me.
and low and behold he loved them and they are - almost two weeks later, still his favorite of all of his toys.

so the other day, after finishing off a box of diapers, i popped him, along with his three beloved cars, inside and watched as he played with those suckers - that is until he tried to overturn the box to get out. and then he shimmied up to my feet and then got all tuckered out right there on the hardwood floor...

aquarium adventures

2011-10-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

this past weekend we went to chicago to visit Curtis' parents.
i think the highlight of the trip for all of us was our visit to Shedd Aquarium.

even Micah was in awe as we held him to the glass of the various tanks.
mesmerized, he'd reach out and touch the glass, often to his excitement and bewilderment as a fishy would swim up to meet his finger
he'd look at the fish, then at us and then, with his little hands that never stop moving he's do that hand-flappy wave he does
those around us got a kick out of it.
and through the eyes of Micah i enjoyed the species of animal i really can't stand all the more.

even better was the fact that we bypassed the ticket line that wound down the street
for the much shorter wheelchair and stroller accessible line.
thank you son for savings us at least an hour of waiting!
as soon as we got in it was time to feed him so Curtis and his parents went to get coffee while i hunted down a nice quiet family bathroom or something

much to my delight, they not only had a private family bathroom, but a private and cozy
nursing room as well.
complete with a couch, changing table and sink - all that was missing was a toilet - but i'm not complaining.
we stayed at the aquarium so long that i got to utilize that room twice
world's away from nursing on the floor of a caribou coffee bathroom that i had to do later that day

the fish were incredible (even to me, a girl who can only stand to eat them)
the aquarium was broken down by regions of the world and while we didn't buy the pricey $25-35 tickets that give you entrance to live shows and stuff, our $8 tickets let us utilize most of the exhibits.

while there Micah even got his first tattoo.
we waited patiently as a pretty hawaiian lady was sponging temporary tattoos onto little arms.
Micah wasn't nervous at all and i chose a sweet little sea turtle for his forearm.
i joked with Curtis' mom that if he didn't have a onesie on, i would have asked her to put it on his upper back, right above his diaper, just to be funny.

after all, chicago was the place where both Curtis and I got our first (and only - so far) tattoos.
our "romantic" wedding bands that live under our real wedding rings.
a mistake to some (including my husband) but to me, still a sweet sign of our commitment to each other.

while there, we had a nice lunch with a fabulous view of the city and the lake.
sailboats were out and we enjoyed our food while Micah gazed out the window,
oblivious to his tat.

then we made our way to Michigan Ave and window shopped in the most gorgeous weather
the kind of weather you don't even notice. no warmth or chill to make you stop and think
i'm a little warm, or a little too chilly.

like every weekend, it came and went too quickly,
and before we knew it, we were packing up our car and heading home.

pumpkin love

2011-10-25T21:15:00.001-04:00

tonight i came across a blog post while nursing Micah to sleep.

i can't remember where i found it but it was a recipe for a pumpkin smoothie.

it looked and sounded so creamy and decadent, but healthy too, so as soon as i put the boy to sleep i whipped out the blender and made it.

here's all you need:

1 frozen banana

1 cup milk (i used vanilla almond milk)

1/3 can pumpkin (i used about 1/2 cup)

couple dashes of cinnamon

dash of nutmeg

teaspoon brown sugar

directions: blend & sip - it's as easy as that!

when i brought it in the living room for Curtis to try he refused.

i finally forced it on him and he made a gagging face as he sipped.

he didn't like it - then he proceeded to tell me how they make pumpkin puree

he was like, you know, a cute old lady doesn't sit in the factory and peel and cut up pieces of pumpkin to puree right???

i was like, yeah, duh...uhhh...how do they do it then?

(he then deleted part of my blog post where i tell you how exactly they make the puree...you don't want to know...)

(now, this is where Curtis said i had to give the disclaimer that i used Libby's canned pumpkin and that he works for Nestle which owns Libby's)

but anyways...however it's made, i like that stuff.

not too sweet, and a thick, smooth, deep orange healthy-enough-for-breakfast, but indulgent enough for dessert.

just another way to enjoy some pumpkin goodness this fall!

another sip, yes please!

on fear & forgetfulness

2011-10-19T10:15:00.000-04:00

coffee jitters my fears awake this morning
the ones i put to bed last night with prayer

caffeine-laced doubts
but who am i kidding?
even sans the starbucks via that i'm sipping
when the coffee beans run out
i am still a doubting thomas
a peter sinking as he makes his way to Jesus walking on the water
i am afraid

so i read
instead of giving reign to my thoughts that lead to no-good places:

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to your life?

...Therefore, do not be anxious [...] for the ungodly seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough cares of its own."

i have read it every morning for the last three days
Matthew 6: 25-34

i try to let it steep, soak in but i so easily forget like the Israelites
who'd rather return to Egypt's slavery than see the salvation of the Lord in the midst of the wilderness.

how quickly they forget
and how quickly i do too
we are a forgetful people

This morning on her {blog}, Ann Voskamp wrote:

"I was, and am still, his most fearful child."

and i am too.
fearful of the unknown, the what if's, the lack of

Yet, as Moses exorts Israel before crossing the Red Sea:

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today...
The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still."

(exodus 14: 13-14)

and once they had crossed (on dry ground no less!) he sings:

"You have led in your steadfast love the people whom you have redeemed;
you have guided them by your strength to your holy abode."

(exodus 15:13)

Ann closes her post with these words:

"I stand in a kitchen with a list in hand.
A calendar on the wall.
Tasks pressing on the mind.
I take a deep breath, loosen the shoulders, stay fluid.
Let go and lean.
Lean back into Him.

There is this way of living: abandon all worries and abide in Christ — all is well. The relief’s in the release of everything into the hands of the God. Isn’t it all safer in His hands anyways? Abandon and abide — all is well.

Life’s an adventure when we move as He moves.
Standing in the kitchen I breathe deep and let it all ebb away into a smile.
Fluid and fully surrendered to Christ, I think I can feel it even here. The wild wind in the hair…."

so today, i choose not only to be still, but to trust that in the stillness He is still moving.
in my doubt, fear and forgetfulness, he remains unchanging and completely faithful.

and as Ann is known for ending, i write as she does:

All is grace.

an addition to our morning routine

2011-10-07T14:51:00.001-04:00

most mornings look something like this:

i wake up at 7/7:30
sometimes micah's still sleeping and sometimes he's awake, babbling to himself in his crib.
on mornings where he's still sleeping i head downstairs, eat a bowl of cereal and drink a cup of coffee then hop in the shower.
if i can do all three before he wakes up i know it will be a very good day.
the days i hear him up already, i choose between breakfast or a shower before i get him up.
on those days i typically hop in the shower and wait on coffee and breakfast until after he's eaten.

today i had all three before i got micah up at 8.
i even had a chance to get dressed, run a load of wash, unload and refill the dishwasher and 'slap some paint on the barn' as my mom likes to say.

at about 8 i head into his room, change and dress him (while singing rise and shine) then nurse and give him his big boy breakfast that usually consists of fruit baby food mixed with oatmeal and sometimes some fresh fruit.

and then we play for a bit and by 9:30 or so it's nap time. however, lately we've added something else to our morning routine that i hope will carry far past his babyhood.

we've started reading just a few pages of {The Jesus Storybook Bible} most mornings after his breakfast. it's so simple and well-written and every story (even the old testament ones) points to Jesus, which even i can use a refresher course in every so often.

the illustrations are really beautiful and unique and i have been really enjoying it despite the fact that Micah's attention span is short and he's usually more interested in trying to eat the book (or his toes) than follow along. but it's a good habit to get into together - reading the bible and praying together to start our days together.

this morning we read about Abraham believing God's promise that even though he and his wife were very old, that he would be the father of a great nation. it was just such a sweet moment, even if Micah doesn't understand it quite yet, to be able to sit with him and read with him and pray with him.

i hope this is one morning ritual that lasts a very long time. what a privilege it is to get to share the bible and its truths with our children. it is a privilege that i hope to never take for granted.

on choking

2011-10-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

i think i was about ten and we were at one of those wholesale stores like costco.
it was my whole family and my aunt, uncle and my two cousins.
i remember parts of the trip so vividly - others are a part of the blur that comes with childhood.

what i do recall, however, still gives me the chills.

we must've all been walking around shopping and eating the samples. that i remember.
the next thing i can recall, we are all in the checkout and my cousin - maybe three or four at the time starts choking.

somehow, he had gotten a piece of hard candy as a sample as we were meandering through the aisles
and when we got to the checkout he started choking.

and this wasn't gag a little, then cry a little, then cough it up choking.

i remember him turning blue.

i remember the look of panic in my aunt's eyes as the heimlich wasn't working.
i remember hearing her swear for the first (and only time) in my life.

i remember standing there as a young girl, stunned and afraid.

and i remember the jittery wave of relief and emotion that rushed through me when the cashier was finally able to save his life.

it was horrible.

still one of the scariest moments in my life and the moment i attribute to my fear of choking.

to this day i still don't like hard candy and even the idea of a cough drop under my tongue while hopping down the stairs frightens me.

so you can only imagine my timidity as we begin to feed micah foods other than baby food.

first it was those puff things.

i would watch him like a hawk, uncertain if they really dissolved as quick as they promised. so i ate one. placed it on my tongue. the thing dissolved fast but still i was nervous.

but my boy loves food - just this week he's had chili put through the baby mill. it was spicy - laced with cayenne, chili powder, cumin red pepper flakes and cinnamon.

but every time i give him something new to eat i have this irrational (or rational?) fear that this will be the time where he'll choke.

it's called Pseudodysphagia and i think i have it.

however, i'm not letting it control me - or control the way i feed my boy. i let him feed himself, get messy, hold the spoon - but i think it's going to take me a while to give him anything larger than what i know he can safely swallow.

Curtis thinks i'm a bit irrational. i cut steamed carrots up into pieces he can barely pinch with little fingers, cut a peeled grape not into quarters, but eighths, maybe smaller. but the thought of having to ever give him the heimlich or cpr scares the crap out of me...

am i alone on this or is it just typical first child syndrome?

color coded

2011-10-04T16:08:00.000-04:00

when i was a school-aged youngster the thing i loved most about a new
school year was the new box of 64 crayola crayons.
the night before school started i'd open the box, dump them all out
and color code the little cardboard crayon holders
all shades of blue in one, greens and yellows in another, reds, pinks
and purples in another, and the boring greys and blacks, browns and
whites in another

i've always loved color-coding things, whether it be crayons or
skittles or shoes.
a package of sharpie permanent markers, color-coded while still in
their packages call my name in Target
OPI nail polishes, arranged by shade at the salon makes my heart skip,
a perfectly arranged, color-coded closet makes me sweat a little with delight

so it's no surprise that the colorful embroidery floss that i've been
using all jumbled up out of a ziplock baggie needed a bit of love.
so in came {Pintrest} to the rescue.
as did my little box of clothes pins used for line drying our cloth
diapers (yes, we've become 50% cloth diaper fans due to a steal of a
deal at a garage sale this summer!)

Mondays are for work, yes, but who says i can't take a little break
when Micah was napping to wind and wrap until my color-coded heart was
content?

all i need now is a pretty glass jar to display them in.

what i've noticed on a sunday night

2011-10-02T20:42:00.000-04:00

his eyes

not a specific grey or green or brown
look up and squint and smile in the dark of night that keeps creeping earlier and earlier

chubby linked hands turn from baby to boy

with a semi-wave or superman-esque fly, tummy down,
head up and arms down by his sides,

soaring, gliding like the superhero he thinks he is

those lips

the truest tone of chewing gum pink

with the sweetest up-curl smirk

that hair

not blonde or brown

scarce covers his scalp

but is softest to the touch of clean morning fingers

this boy, who went down just minutes ago

wrapped in a white fleecy sleep sack baby thing

looked like a boy on his way to baptism or heaven

tomorrow we work, him and i

our monday tango of work and writing and diapers and playtime with Filmore the Frog

we'll probably skip showers and baths and stay cozy in our pajamas all day

perfect for naps and nighttime

that little crazy boy and i

welcome october

2011-10-01T07:11:00.000-04:00

micah & i just wanted to wish you a happy first day of october.

what we're planning to do today:

drink coffee
be crafty
take naps
spend time with daddy (the best part of saturdays!)
put micah to bed early
have friends over for sushi and catching up

what's on the agenda this month:

pick apples
make applesauce
feed micah said applesauce
carve a pumpkin with aunt jenni
~~meet micah's new 2nd cousin romy~~ (we ended up meeting her last night - she's a doll!)
meet his new baby friend joshua
do some holiday gift planning
make some gifts ahead of the holiday rush
do some more embroidering
start knitting again
finish reading the novel i started in may
read the jesus storybook bible with my boy
rake some leaves and take some autumn strolls

the many moves of micah

2011-09-30T22:51:00.000-04:00

i thought i'd show you some outtakes from yesterday
oh, who am i kidding, these are the ones that actually turned out.
the rest were just a blurry ball of boy as he was moving and grooving on my bed.
the boy doesn't hold still.
at home and with people he's used to seeing a lot he's a giggly, funny baby
but get him around strangers he's just perfectly content staring you down.
except grandmas. micah can spot a grandma, anyone's grandma a mile away and he'll always give a grandma a smile
i think it's something in their voice and demeanor - it is adorable though
one of the ladies at church always comes up to say hi to micah with the cutest voice, and it never fails and she always gets a huge grin out of my serious boy.

so, i'm not really sure what i was planning on posting about - except to show off my kiddo.
he woke up yesterday with a broken blood vessel in his eye poor guy
i think he scratched his eye in his sleep, but Curtis thinks he was pooping too hard in the middle of the night :)

last night we said adios to his infant car seat/carrier and installed his new big boy carseat. this thing is a beast. too bad it was pouring rain the day (today) on our first outing in in. i was drenched as i learned how to loosen the straps and buckle him in with his handsome little puffy vest on. i should've chosen a sunny day to inaugurate my guy into big boyhood.

what else.

micah likes to eat Everything! i'm not kidding. the kid will suck on a lemon wedge until you have to rip it out of his death grip fingers. he likes avocados and cantaloupe and spicy hummus and lentil soup and sweet potato curry and brown rice. the kid is a monster and if i wasn't so scared of him choking i would be giving him a lot more. last night he cried for food as we ate dinner even though he had just eaten. we like to sit him in his high chair while we eat even if he's not partaking. family dinners are important to us so we've started young. as he was flipping out over our food (fresh veggie fritatta, spinach salad and toast) we was momentarily satiated by those puff things though.

hmmm...

oh, and sad story (from Monday but whatev)
Monday morning i was going down the basement to get something and noticed that the freezer door down there was ajar. everything was smushy and defrosted, but worse than the food - almost all of my pumped breast milk had defrosted. i was crushed. and immediately called Curtis sobbing. luckily some of it was still kind of slushie, so i put it in the fridge and let it defrost completely to use up that day, but the rest had to be tossed. heartbreaking. ugh, still hurts my heart. i worked so hard for that 'liquid gold'. but as my mom reminded me - don't cry over spilled mild - haha, very funny! :)

micah did however take four bottles that day, which gave me the opportunity to pump a bunch so i'm trying to get a small stash going again. we were giving him a bottle every day or two, just to keep him familiar with - which was depleting my stash faster, but worth the risk of him rejecting the bottle completely like he used to do. i just wonder if when i'm all out of pumped milk, will he take a formula bottle and still want to nurse. he's only had formula once, in the hospital when he was born, when he wouldn't eat right after his circumcision. it was barely an ounce, but i hear the stuff is like baby crack. it's sweetened and babies scarf it down. and i'm just so proud of the fact that he's gone this long on pure momma's milk. not that choosing not to nurse is wrong, or formula is bad, but for me, i decided before he was born that my goal would be to nurse as long as i could, but with a year being my goal, and so far, at almost 8 months old we're still going strong, so i don't want a couple formula bottles to stop our streak.

but i will say, it's not easy. breast feeding is a commitment and whew, it takes a lot out of me and is time consuming, and i spend a lot of time in other rooms and alone with him and it's not always fun or convenient, but it's awesome. and as much as i've had a love/hate relationship with nursing, i do think i will miss it when he is eventually weaned. but man, some nights i say to micah before i put him to bed. 'baby, today you have literally sucked every ounce of life out of me." haha

anyways, what a tangent i've gotten myself on.

anyways...all this to say, my baby isn't so much a baby anymore :( he wears skinny jeans and puffer vests and sits up by himself and doesn't nap while running errands anymore and eats foods that most kids would gawk at and it makes me happy and sad all at the same time.

sigh.

my fingers hurt

2011-09-30T10:19:00.003-04:00

yesterday micah took two loooong naps and i was a tornado
my tornado days are few and far between these days
i'm more like a steady breeze of productivity these days
there isn't a day that i don't go to bed wishing i had one more hour to get stuff done, but usually happy that i don't have that 25th hour, because i'm usually tired and ready for bed by 10, 11 at the latest.

but yesterday was different - tackling items on my to do list like a tornado (a little bit of coke - the soda, not the drug - helped too i think!)

and then something got going and all i wanted to do was get crafty
so i did

we were planning to go visit my cousin and his wife last night - they just had their first baby - a little girl - and although i got her a shower gift, i don't like visiting the maternity ward empty handed, so i got down to embroidery business.

queue photo #1

as you can see, her name is Romy (different but cute - a family name i think?) and it took me about an hour to do the first two.

then i got to making a card to go with the little gift.

i don't have pictures to show you but let me tell you, i carved a little triangular bunting flag into an eraser and stamped little colorful bunting flags across a blank white card. i ended up making like 8 of them, all different - it was fun, and fast (nothing beats a fast project!) and i now have lots of cards to go along with these burp cloths i'm now addicted to making.

then last night, after Micah was in bed, we turned on the t.v. to watch The Office (which i must say is slip sliding down the drain fast) and i decided to whip up two more burpers. This time for a friend of mine at church who just had her second little one - a darling baby boy named Joshua.

queue photo #2.

as you can probably see from the dark and blurry iphone pictures, i'm not THAT good, but it is a super relaxing little craft and now that Micah is taking two really nice (and long) naps a day instead of a few shorter ones, it affords me more time to have some creative me-time.

last night i kept saying, "my fingers hurt," to Curtis.
and in typical Happy Gilmore fashion he would respond with:
"Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty!"

on potty training and nightmares

2011-09-23T10:57:00.001-04:00

ever since Curtis snuck a little potty into our cart at Ikea in July, he's wanted to potty train Micah.

i laugh and blow him off, even when i come upstairs to help with bathtime and find this:

it sure was cute, and funny when Curtis got so excited when Micah farted on the potty! He was certain pooping would come next (which of course it didn't!)

but all this potty talk i think crept into my subconscious and yesterday morning, right before i fully woke up i had the most heart-pounding nightmare i think i've ever had.

i hesitate to even write it because it still gives me goose bumps. I told it to Curtis last night, and when the words came out they sounded more foolish than the realness they felt when i woke up and had to repeat over and over louder than my thumping heart,

it was just a dream, jess. it was just a dream.

we were at my mom's house. Micah was seven months, just as he is now, and i guess we were potty training him.

I wasn't in the room, but in my dream i could see my mom sitting Micah on her toilet in their downstairs bathroom. Then she walked over to me, in my dad's office, across the house from the bathroom and we were talking...

(my heart is thumping as i type)

then it hits me to ask her, "Where's Micah?"

and she says, "I put him on the toilet."

And my heart stops. begins to thump in my ears like it is now.

And i run. Through the house to the bathroom at the back of the house.

And there he is, slumped into the toilet, the roll of toilet paper off the cardboard roll, sprawled our around him in the bowl and he's blue. His eyes are closed and he's not breathing.

And i scream a blood curdling scream

and just like that i am awake.

it was just a dream, jess. it was just a dream.

and as much as i know it was, it was the closest i've ever gotten to the panic of harm to my child.
it was horrible. my heart is still thudding, through my fingertips. in that one brief moment i thought i lost him.

and when i heard him kicking his feet, awake in his crib as i was mumbling to myself how it was just a dream i breathed a steady breath and got out of bed.

but it's stuck with me. the gratefulness that he is here when other parents lose their babies every day. And the only thing that gives me peace when all the what if's start to creep in is the belief that God loves him more than i do and that even as i try to cushion falls and thwart dangers and sharp corners is the fact that i am ultimately not the one who keeps him safe or healthy or even alive. And while that may not seem like a comfort to some, to me it's the only comfort i have as i find myself the caretaker of this little, fragile life. knowing i am not ultimately in control and that i can place my trust, not only for good outcomes in bad circumstances and healthy reports for scary tests but for whatever comes. Because, as my high school friend tattooed on her skin after her dad died - God is good, all the time, no matter what.

first cold

2011-09-22T17:46:00.001-04:00

IMG_4091, originally uploaded by jpenick999.

last thursday i went to bed just not feeling right and by friday afternoon i had a full blown cold. but there's no rest for the weary when there's a baby involved. that and Curtis' parents were in town for the weekend. by tuesday morning i was feeling better.

then... yesterday i put micah down for his nap and when he woke up he was sick - how does that even happen?

since then i've been sucking boogers, wiping his nose and taking pictures of my cute drippy boy - because he may not feel good but he's still happy as a puppy with two peeters :)

and, if that wasn't enough - our dog has freaking fleas! ugh. i took her to the vet yesterday after a week too long of biting her back and tail raw. i thought they'd tell me she had doggy allergies, but nope - fleas. so gross.

so last night after sick boy went to sleep, sick puppy got a bath and blowdry, and our house got a good vacuuming. ick.

luckily today was nice enough to open up some doors and windows and let the fresh first day of fall air come blow some germs out with summer's end.

he thinks he's so big

2011-09-22T09:26:00.001-04:00

IMG_4083, originally uploaded by jpenick999.

sometimes i'm sad to see my baby growing up, but my arm that has been lugging around his twenty pound self in the baby car seat definitely isn't.

and how...

2011-09-19T20:23:00.001-04:00

how he sat in his highchair in the kitchen tonight, watching me cook -
making guacamole and fresh corn and black bean salsa and hard tacos
with spicy meat

and how he likes lemons and cantaloupe and bananas and avocado but
can't quite seem to figure out how to pinch those puff things and get
them into his mouth before dissolving into nothing

and how he giggles at his reflection in the mirror and looks at me
like he's asking if it's okay to look and laugh at himself

and how he's sitting up on his own so well, until he gets distracted

and falls helplessly, sometimes laughing, other times crying

and how he loves books, until he's had enough and he arches his back

and he's over it just like that

and how lately he's ready for bed at dinnertime but we keep him ups so
he can have time with his dad, attempting to play while pushing his
bedtime past 7, getting a giggle every so often between tired cries

and how i take him upstairs to feed him cross-legged on our bed, him
on a pillow on my lap - our nighttime ritual, nursing in the dark

and how I can lull him to sleep with this routine, he knows, closes
his eyes and eats

and how he was asleep on my lap having taken his last gulp a few moments ago

and how as I pulled back down my shirt he whimpered and immediately
brought his thumb to his mouth and even as I burped him and plopped
him belly first into his crib, his suck never waned

and how he doesn't cry it out at nap time or bedtime anymore, just
looks up at me from his belly, lays his head down and gives up for the
night

and how now it's quiet except for the dog chewing a toy. he on the
ipad, me on my laptop, working until eyes get tired, or distracted or
both.

and how it's another monday night and the day is almost over and i
made it through, again, having never gotten out of my sweats from last
night.

and how tomorrow morning i will shower and dress and even put on some
makeup even though we have no plans until the evening and we will
start our week on tuesday like we always do.

hopefully a better mother than a blogger

2011-09-19T13:46:00.002-04:00

...that's my goal, is that too much to ask?

it's been brought to my attention that it's been over 10 days since i've written last.
i don't really have many excuses except that i've been mothering (that's a pretty good excuse if you ask me) one super cute seven month old (as of yesterday) and i've been taking little bits of Micah's nap times to do a revamp of my closet (my giveaway pile is awesomely huge and growing) and i've been sick (cough, sniff, cough) the last three days and today i'm working up a storm (just taking a little blogging break to get my creative juices flowing).

but there are no good excuses in blog land where moms seem to blog the second they pop out a baby or the minute they move into a new house (how do they do that?) on second thought, i think i was better at blogging while i was still in the hospital having just birthed my boy than i am now (how is that possible?)

i was actually just going through those (seven month) old posts yesterday. (february archives anyone!?)
man, was that a hard, exhausting, amazing time. feels so long ago, but so recent too. sometimes i still can't believe i have a kid and i get to stay home and play with him all day long (except for Mondays) and it's just so awesome. we have so much fun together, me and my little funny sidekick (he seriously makes me laugh all day long!)

anyways, enough words - here's what we've been up to the last few days:

i love this, the light, the clear white cloudy sky - cutest piggy back ride i've ever seen

Sunday Micah turned 7 months old - closer to his first birthday than his birth-day - sigh

spend Saturday at Patterson's Fruit Farm - seems a little confused as to why he's sitting with pumpkins, but i think he looks so handsome in his skinny jeans and big boy shirt

and today - he played in his highchair when i was working, now he's napping - crap i jinxed it - now he's awake (literally as i typed that)

Hopefully i'll get better at this blogging thing again, but if i don't, just know that when i'm not on my laptop blogging, i'm somewhere on the floor, helping him practice sitting up without falling over and smushing up avocados and bananas and reading board books and doing laundry and dishes during naps instead of writing (because i'd much rather be living than writing now and days anyways)

he told me to write so i'm writing

2011-09-08T11:46:00.004-04:00

last night we were sitting on the couch after Micah went to bed.
i was "pinning" on my laptop (find me here) and Curtis was surfing the web on the ipad.

he must've checked my blog to see if i had written anything lately (which i hadn't) and he looked at me and said:

"you gotta write, woman!"

"i know." i said flatly, more inspired by lovely photos of food and the creative endeavors of others than by my own words lately.

but write i will, lest i lose the few followers i have attracted.

today i skipped a shower because Micah had already been up for a while, babbling to himself if his crib and i had the choice to make - coffee or a shower. i chose the coffee. Which i sipped as i put on makeup anyways, and deodorant - always deodorant.

i am almost out of diapers, so a trip to the store is in order later.

during morning naptime i read. first morning and evening by Charles Spurgeon. Then i finished Romans. Then One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. He kept sleeping so i kept reading...page after page on thanks and grace.

she writes, "Contemplative simplicity isn't a matter of circumstances, but a matter of focus..."

"I pay tribute to God by paying attention..."

"The life of true holiness is rooted in the soil of awed adoration. It does not grow elsewhere," J.I. Packer says, and she quotes.

"I am a wandering Israelite who sees the flame in the sky above, the pillar, the smoke from the mountain, the earth open up and give way, and still i forget. I am beset by chronic soul amnesia. I empty of truth and need refilling. I need come again every day - bend, clutch, and remember - for who can gather the manna but once, hoarding, and store away sustenance in the mind for all of the living?"

by the time Micah wakes up again, i am filled.
but just for today, maybe even only just enough to finish off the morning.

i read "From me is thy fruit found." (Hosea 14:8)

then i close my books, go make a rested boy giggle, make a trip for diapers and let all these words, other's words, seep into my very being and try to remember to pay tribute to God by paying attention. to each moment, as meager or meek as they are.

*photos: Labor Day play time...oh how we love him!

on repeat: the things i say a hundred times a day

2011-08-27T11:34:00.000-04:00

Rise and shine and give god the glory, glory

Good morning, good morning, it's time to get up

Are you ready to get up up up?

Do you want some momma's milk

Just gimme a little burp burp burp

God loves you, god loves you, in my bible book it says that god loves you

Let's change that stinker you got in there stinky bottom

It's okay, you're okay

Be gentle with momma, gentle

Are you ready for some dinnnnnner (or breaaaaaakfast or luuuuuunch)

Just lay you head down and take a little happy nappy

Micah, look at momma...

Micah, you need to stop whining

ahhhh-BOOO, tickle tickle tickle, zerbert!

*note: most of these phrases have their very own little tune to go with them, but i will spare you and you can use your imagination!

5 senses friday: 8.26.11

2011-08-26T14:39:00.000-04:00

Seeing:
a baby turning into a boy, a basket of laundry that needs folding, fresh highlights, his first pair of proper pj's, gold nail polish to match a gold watch

Hearing:
lawnmowers in the distance, the squeaky laughs of a happy baby, ceiling fans humming instead of air conditioners, the little suck of water in a sippie cup

Tasting:
the sweetest peaches of the summer, tomato/basil/mozzarella sandwiches, homegrown cucumbers, the sweet chill of ice cream treats

Feeling: a summer coming to a close, excitement for fall building, nostalgia for school days, the desire to stock up on school supplies

Smelling: baby food three times a day, the sweet smell of breast milk on everything, coconutty sunscreen, nail polish remover

*adapted from five senses friday by abbytrysagain - minus her amazing images.

eucharisteo from yesterday morning

2011-08-25T11:15:00.000-04:00

eucharisteo: thanksgiving

bagel and orange juice had in the silence of a morning nap

time to write with belly to bed

morning and evening read over shredded wheat

long sleeve onesie under green big boy T

phone tucked in bra when there are no pockets

baby toenail growing back

a grandma who loves to babysit so i can put color in my hair

giftcard from first mother's day to pay for it

longer than usual nap

dishwasher and clothes washer instead of cracked fingers

medicine that makes the aches go away

husband that works so hard so i can work hard in my home

the ugly-beautiful

2011-08-25T10:14:00.000-04:00

it is what the French call

"d'un beau affreux"

or what the Germans refer to as

hübsch-hässlich

the ugly-beautiful

Paul Gauguin was known for saying

"le laid peut être beau"

or, "the ugly can be beautiful"

i read these things yesterday, in the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.
It is good, so good, and so rich. i read it slow to savor. to let it sink in.

when i read it, i jotted it down, this concept of the ugly-beautiful and scribbled below it:

child birth
the resetting of a broken bone
the cross

the ugly-beautiful

my list goes on

how much of life is just that - ugly yet beautiful

the refiner's fire

"for you, o God, have tested us
you have tried us as silver is tried
we went through the fire and through water
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."

(psalm 66:10-12)

ugly sinners saved by beautiful grace

then i saw this video and the tears welled up.

i can only pray that i will allow the ugly in my life, the ugly that has crept into this world, to become as beautiful as they have.

This was grace - short film from Andrew Laparra on Vimeo.

two weeks review in pictures

2011-08-20T21:12:00.000-04:00

it's been too long and i have no good excuse

2011-08-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

each day that passed since my last post i meant to write
then a week passed
then another and with every night that i went to bed without writing
i heaped the pressure on myself
and the guilt
of not writing
not recording

but i'm dropping the guilt like a backpack off a kid's back
left at the front door after the first day of school
anxious to get back to the summer fun that was left behind when flip flops were traded for school shoes
and new socks that make summer feet sweat.

the truth is, i've really got nothing new to say.
we have found our routine.
many weeks look much like the one before, except for Micah.
growing, learning new skills almost daily, hourly if you watch closely
that boy turns my mundane days into little adventures on a minute by minute basis.

for one, he's six months old as of last thursday
how did that happen?
how did my little 7 lb 9 oz baby reach 19.1 lbs.
how is he in the 98th percentile for his height?

i'm not in denial as much as amazement.

he is now a belly sleeper through and through
rolls over onto his tummy (but not back again...yet)
and can move and scoot around in a circle before i can blink.
just recently he's been pushing off with his toes when on his belly
i think it won't be long before he figures out how to crawl
but i secretly kind of hope it'll be a while.

i'm still nursing, and we've found a good groove.
he'll take a bottle if needed, but nothing beats momma.
and i'm okay with that. there's something so peaceful about sitting on my bed
him laying on a pillow on my lap
the ceiling fan going and he eats as he holds my hand, twirls the little bit of hair that he has on his head
reaches for my face
or the way he falls asleep eating, burps with his head heavy on my shoulder, like tonight
and all i have to do is lay him in his crib, without a peep - and he's out for the night

he loves his cereal, and he's a fan of every veggie we've given him so far.
tonight we went to the greek festival and my dad let him suck on a lemon
we were all expecting him to make a sour face but he loved it.
he'd reach for it when he'd take it away and kept smacking his cute little lips.

so really, i guess i do have stuff to say
there are always things i want to remember,
about him,
about our days
so i guess i'll keep writing.

thanks for reading.

i can't get enough of this kid

2011-08-04T22:48:00.001-04:00

a few days ago Curtis asked me when i'm really going to start writing again.
it caught me off guard.

'what do you mean?' i asked

'you know, like really writing - not just posting pictures and little stories about Micah.'

'i can't help it,' i responded. 'this is my life now and i'm obsessed with this kid.'

so, i hope you don't mind that Micah, and all things motherhood have kind of taken over my blog recently.

i knew it would happen.

i used to write about infertility and waiting and hoping for the moment i would become a mother. dreaming of how it would happen. where we'd have to travel to meet our baby. what it would be like - this mother love - a feeling that was then still so foreign to me, but i knew would come.

my writing was painful and poetic and drenched in longing.

maybe that's what he's missing. the long thought-out scribblings of a girl on the verge of another world.

i wasn't unhappy, not even discontent, but the waiting was hard. waiting for the next phase with a breath held so long.

but that's not me anymore.

he came and he changed everything.

i feel more at peace and more 'myself' than i ever have.

yesterday as i was feeding Micah some rice cereal at my mom's she gave me a hefty compliment.

'you just floated into motherhood so easily, jess.' she said.

whoa. what do you say to that but laugh it off and remember all the tears in that first week

so i shrugged her off and kept on giving him spoonfuls of that white creamy mush.

i've been waiting for these days of feedings and diapers and walks with a stroller for so long that you'll have to excuse me when i litter this little space with proud pictures of my boy and all the marvelously mundane happenings in our day. it's not much, really, but then again, it is. it's so much. everything really.

the dna of my life has changed. he truly has changed everything.

and i'm rather fond of him and this new life, so you'll have to bare with me as i share just a bit of what's filling my often monotonous, but awfully amazing days.

we've got movement

2011-08-04T17:46:00.000-04:00

last week i knew Micah was on the verge of rolling over.
i found him like this

over and over again. then it happened. on monday morning, as i was working at my desk i caught him practically on his belly so i grabbed my phone and caught this

it was so cute and so slow-mo.
i texted it to Curtis and his response was "finally!"

minutes later i caught it again, cuter this time - and with more grunting and whining
(excuse my annoying voice in this one - my excitement must have gotten the best of me!

now he's a rolling machine - although he hasn't yet figured out how to roll back onto his back when he's had enough tummy time.

this is how i caught him the other day

not quite the best use of his playmat but hey - whatev.

and better yet, he's taken to napping on his belly.
it's adorable.
what's not adorable is him waking up screaming bloody murder because i think it scares him that he's kind of stuck belly-down until i come in to get him.

gone are the days of him playing happily in his crib for up to an hour - at least until he figures out how to roll back over, that is.

motherhood is a calling

2011-08-02T16:08:00.000-04:00

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

Fellow mothers, if you want to read something good - click on the link below and prepared to be challenged...and encouraged.

{ http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-is-a-calling-and-where-your-children-rank }

Happy Tuesday!

aquabib:

2011-07-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

aquabib: a water drinker

in these dog days of summer my sister and I decided to offer Micah a cool cup of water after a scorching walk to and from the west side market on Wednesday.

Not only was it an adorable sight (see 18 second video below) but he just couldn't get the hang of the cup...and we couldn't get the hang of focusing the camera on his while simultaneously helping him sit up and not crack his face on the glass cup.

how many people does it take to feed a baby a sip of ice water?

answer: apparently more than two!

on napping, again. and why I am a fan.

2011-07-28T15:19:00.002-04:00

I think I write a lot about nap time because it's the one time of day where my mind has a moment to focus.
The lens of my eye has a chance to adjust to the light-
Or the dark and in that quiet moment I can think
And often, he's the one I think about
when he's asleep I slip awestruck thoughts about him, about me, about the God who created us both into
My pocket
Reach my hand in
And rattle them around in my palm
Little gold coins of wonder

His head smells of sweat and cotton and salty sweet sleep

His little pudgy hand grips his diaper where it meets his thigh in his sleep

His eyelashes, like fingernail clippings, set side by side in a half-moon arc

His bottom lip pulled in, like he's trying not to laugh during the serious business of sleep

And today, he sleeps on my bed, going on an hour and I first did dishes, sorted the mail, changed the laundry.

Then I crept back up, my hand full J.Crew's latest eye candy catalogue and I flipped through, silently, next to him by the light of the window above my bed.

It's cool and quiet and I'm tempted to fall asleep too, but he's pushing an hour, which never happens, so I don't want to press my luck.

Sent from my iPhone

another monday bites the dust

2011-07-26T08:03:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, this was our day:

4am: Micah wakes up sobbing. (this kid never wakes up in the middle of
the night-except for during the crazy thunder storms last week)
I try to let him cry it out, but eventually go in there, because he
keeps getting louder and louder and I don't want Curtis to wake up -
too late.

5am: he finally falls back to sleep just in time for Curtis to get up for work.

6:30am: I get up, make bed (i'm ocd about a made bed) brush teeth,
drink coffee, eat a bowl of special k, take vitamins

7am: sign on work laptop.prepare for 7:30am phone meeting

7:30am: have call

8am: call ends, Micah wakes up. Go into his room singing our morning
wake-up song:

"rise and shine and give God the glory, glory!"

Change him, bring him into my bed (and air-conditioned room) to nurse.

Then I pump (my once-a-day pump) as Micah happily lays next to me on
the bed, and sometimes I get to watch about 10 minutes of the today
show as I pump.

8:30am: go downstairs with my boy, clean pump stuff, freeze milk and
lay Micah on the cute little bear blanket (which I happened to make in
high school home ec class) to play while I work at my dining room desk

9:30am: Micah falls asleep while playing, I don't dare move him into
his crib, so he sleeps amidst his toys for half an hour.

10am: the boy wakes up and we play, and I work and we play some more

11am: we nurse

11:30: I start dinner (broccoli and chicken pasta in a pesto cream
sauce with fresh basil)

While I'm at it I make quinoa two ways (Mexican with lime and cilantro
and curried with chick peas) to eat later this week

12:30pm: back to work and play, simultaneously. He takes another half
hour nap around 1.

2pm: we nurse

3pm: my mom stops over for a visit, entertains Micah baby while I work

4pm: mom leaves and Micah naps again while i finish dinner.

5pm: nurse, again.

5:30: Curtis gets home. He changes, we eat, clean up

6:30pm: we play with Micah

7:15pm: rice cereal time. The little man likes his food.

7:30pm: I take Micah upstairs to nurse. Curtis has a few guys coming
over for a bible study.

8pm: put Micah to bed. (tonight only a few minutes of crying)

8pm: I sit in bed and work (and let Facebook distract me every so often)

9:45pm: I close my laptop. Brush my teeth, wash my face and put some
hair removal cream on my 'mustache' (Curtis just told me I had to add
that in there!)

10pm: Boys leave and Curtis comes upstairs. Gets ready for bed as I
blog on my phone.

10:15pm: lights are out and it's bedtime. Bedtime prayer is that Micah
does NOT wake up at 4am again tonight!*

*note on Tuesday morning: Micah DID wake up again - at 2 am, crying
hysterically (for an HOUR!)
what do we do? we're a split household. I say let him cry it out after
making sure he's okay (which he was) Curtis wants to sleep
(understandable) and offered him a pacifier and a tummy rub until he
drifted back off to la-la land. After months of Micah sleeping so
well, even just being up an hour in the middle of the night is
exhausting. any advice?

a view from our morning

2011-07-19T12:28:00.001-04:00

morning nap

2011-07-19T11:38:00.003-04:00

today is another scorcher
so far I can't even gather the motivation to think about going somewhere-
somewhere with central air

so instead of putting him down for his morning nap in one room with air and me in another room with another window unit on
we holed up in my bedroom
ceiling fan on, air on high, lights off
and I let him sleep on me
cuddled up in the cold, dark

I sit, legs outstretched
Lips to his nearly bald head
Listening to him breathe
Smelling the minty scent of the Dr. Bronners soap I bathed him with last night
In my mom's bathroom sink
Feeling the weight of this little human,
more than twice as heavy on me as he was inside

Most days I prefer to lay him in his crib awake. Let him fuss and sometimes cry himself to sleep
Self soothe.
But today I'd much rather feel his sleepy head in the crease of my armpit
His hand, curled into a fist on my collarbone

The window's light catching his toes at my thigh

And maybe when he wakes up we'll figure out the rest of our day
Do something, go somewhere

But maybe, just maybe we'll spend the day curled up in my bedroom, air on high, reading books, telling stories and

taking more naps.

how 5 months has flown

2011-07-18T13:22:00.001-04:00

IMG_8381, originally uploaded by jpenick999.

razzing: blowing bubbles in a funny, motorboat-motorboat sort of way.

today my boy is 5 months old.
a month away from his first half birthday
brings a tiny tear to my eye.

and this is the face you will see him doing most of the time. he thinks it's funny, as do we, so he continues.

i didn't know razzing was a word until i read it in What to Expect the First Year.

it's kind of like spitting, blowing bubbles simultaneously. it's adorable. and so is he.

what's Micah up to now that he's 5 months old you ask?

well, he's officially a swaddle-free sleeper.

after him waking up every morning for the last month or so, practically swaddle-free anyways, we decided to pack the swaddle away and see hoe he'd do.

the first night he woke up a few times, but quickly settled himself back to sleep. the second night he slept straight through the night - arms free, stretched over his head the way he naps. now it's been a week and he's fully swaddle-weaned :)

this past month we also started him on rice cereal. to say he loves it would be an understatement. sometimes he even cries between bites if we're not feeding him quick enough. it's hilarious - i have it on video if i can find it, i'll post it. little fatty!

i'm still nursing and he's still growing. right now he weighs about 17 1/2 lbs i think.

what else? he loves eating his hands, is drooling like crazy, but no teeth in sight, still sleeps 12-13 hours straight a night and nap time is becoming a bit better. what was once a struggle for 1-2 20 min naps a day has turned into 3-4 20-40 min naps. unfortunately the last one occurs a bit before bedtime - so we're thinking we might move up his bedtime an hour or so - the downside to that is we have to have him fed and in bed earlier, which always isn't much fun during the summer hours when we want to run around and go for after dinner walks and such.

but such is life and we are enjoying every minute of it.

ok, i'm done. not sure if anyone cares about this stuff, but it's a good way for me to remember it myself!

Sometimes...

2011-07-16T11:12:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I read blogs on my phone while I nurse

Sometimes I scroll through Facebook

Sometimes I text my sister, take a picture or send an email

but Sometimes he grabs my finger before i can pick up my phone and holds on tight while he eats

It's like he's saying,

"get off your phone mom and pay attention to me, or else I'll grab your phone scrolling finger and not let go!"

*and sometimes I even blog while I'm nursing, like right now, once I jimmied my finger free from the grip of all baby grips

Sent from my iPhone

testimony

2011-07-11T22:21:00.002-04:00

About a month ago I was asked to share my testimony at church of how i got came to know Jesus.

All summer long they're having one person every sunday morning give their testimony of how they got saved.

And although i am not a public speaker, when they called to ask me to do it, what could i say but okay?

So because i am not comfortable in front of crowds, i typed it out and read it instead.

i thought i would share this with all my blog friends too

i hope it leaves you encouraged and thinking about your own story as well :)
Anyways, this is what i said/read:

***

My mom would tell you I got saved when I was 4

She said we were listening to a kids Christian radio station and I told her to hold on a second. I ran into my room and shut the door, then came out and told her I just prayed and asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart.

Whether that was the moment of salvation for me or not only God knows, but the evidences of salvation, if any, definitely weren’t personal from then until the summer between jr high and high school.

It was that summer that I went to a Christian summer camp and really felt the Holy Spirit’s presence for the first time. It was during that week of crazy games and nightly evangelical services that I "chose" (or better yet, it was God who was doing the drawing) to get serious about my relationship with God.

I remember starting youth group with a whole new seriousness. And I was grateful for my parent’s testimonies and spiritual leadership.

You see, I was raised in a messianic Jewish household. My dad was Jewish and got saved at age 18 out of a life of drugs. He then met my mom who was also radically saved in her early twenties.

So really, I think my testimony began with the testimonies of my parents. They were first people in either of their families to come to know Jesus (and in my dad’s case the only person). My salvation story began with theirs.

After being saved, my dad became a devout student of the bible and as he came to understand the scriptures, it spilled into the lives of everyone he knew. Once they had my siblings, and me, they began to raise us to submit ourselves to the authority of scripture, with the understanding of God’s sovereignty and the role that God’s election played into each of our salvation stories.

Despite this emphasis, we attended a church that didn’t share this commitment.

As I started to read and study the bible seriously I knew what I was reading wasn't jiving with what I heard on Sunday mornings.

Incidentally, I was friends with the pastor's son. I remember having debates with him over theology to the point of being called into the pastor’s office, which happened to be his father.

I remember them "encouraging" me to simmer down, trying to get me to understand that the things we were debating, namely the sovereignty of God and the doctrine of election, weren’t THAT important.

I remember sitting in the chair in his office and turning beet red and feeling so upset because in scripture it seemed to be THAT important. To not believe that God was not only in control of everything, but orchestrating everything, was a big deal.

How we viewed the migraines my mom and I chronically suffered with was a big deal.
How we viewed cancer and the death of believers was a big deal.
How we viewed every seemingly “bad” thing that happened, or good thing for that matter, was a big deal.

These were formative years for me as I grew in my relationship with Christ and learned to wrestle with the texts of scripture. I learned that doctrine matters and I wanted to understand all that God had revealed in his word.

After high school, I headed to England to go to YWAM (also known as Youth With A Mission). While there, I remember calling my parents on numerous occasions as I struggled through the nitty-gritty of my faith and the teaching I was hearing.

My dad would email me bible verses to solidify the truths he wanted me to remember and think about while I worked in out in my own relationship with Christ.

When I came home, if I didn’t already know why the Lord led our family to my home church, it was becoming clear.

It was then, on the front steps of the church, I met Curtis.

Now, it wasn’t love at first sight, but what started that day was a deep friendship. He slowly became a good friend to me, but not just to me but to my sister and my parents too.

So, when I chose to head to Africa to become a nanny to a missionary family for a year, he still found his way to my parent’s dinner table.

It was during that time that the theology that I was raised with, slowly became something he adopted as his own.

While away, my parents continued to have my friends over for weekly dinners. They would talk about God and point them back to the texts of scripture.

It was at those dinners that Curtis’ view of God was shaped. And I was thousands of miles away.

Long story short, during that time Curtis and my dad came with a team to serve the missionaries I lived with. And shortly after I came home, we started dating.

I saw in him so much about what I loved in my parents. He was serious about his faith. He would fight for truth at any cost. And he held the knowledge of God’s sovereign will as a truth to celebrate and not fear or shrink from.

That truth, discovered in God’s word, has been my anchor. That God’s sovereign will, over not only my moment of salvation but also over my entire life is a reality to cherish and not dismiss.

I can either view chronic migraines as Satan’s work or a chance to trust that Christ can use pain for his glory.
I can view family members struggling in their faith as the place where God lost control, or the place where He alone can redeem once again.
And I can view our struggles with fertility as a chance to doubt God loves me or to believe that He shows his love for me by forgiving my sins and not only by the gifts he gives me.

But good gifts he has given me. Not only for the chance to be raised in a Christian home, but a home with parents who cherished the truths of the Scriptures that to some may seem hard to swallow.

He had me meet my husband in the most unlikely of churches, and just when we had surrendered our “right” to get pregnant and began to pursue adoption instead, he surprised us by answering our original prayer with the gift of getting pregnant with Micah.

He is teaching me to hold my plans in the palm of my hand loosely and trust His promises fully. Because ultimately, we make our plans, but His are the ones that come to pass, and in that truth from His Word I can rest secure.

happy together

2011-07-07T08:31:00.000-04:00

*photos taken by Curtis' parents while visiting them in Chicago - don't mind my wet hair and lack of makeup.

On the way home from Chicago we made three stops.
At stop numer three, i was nursing and complaining to Curtis simultaneously about the obscene hour we were going to get home at - when he gently reminded me that we were together, all three of us and then he said something i love to hear.
"- home is wherever we're together - who cares what time we get home."

If you can't tell, we have fun together.
we are not good at serious posing or photoshoots that don't involve tongues, piggyback rides and giggles.
i'm also not good at actually looking decent when a camera is being pointed in my direction
but what can'ya do? but at least it was fun - or funny i guess is more like it.

micah is now 4 1/2 months old and is a traveling champ.
during the 6 hour drive to chicago we only made one 1/2 hr stop the entire way to nurse him.
he slept probably 5 out of the 6 1/2 hour trip - it was incredible. he is incredible.

we had the chance to talk and listen to part of a marriage conference and just had a wonderful drive, just the two of us
(or it felt that way at least, due to the sleeping angel-boy)

and it was a great trip.
they treat us like royalty when we visit.

despite the heat we fit a lot into a the short trip.

ikea
an evening walk to town for fro-yo
lincoln park zoo
the beach
fish tacos
firepit

and just when we thought our weekend was over and we were (finally) driving into downtown Cleveland late on the 4th of July, to our amazement, we could see every city's fireworks peppering the horizon as we made our way into town.
it was incredible and a great way to end a beautiful summer weekend.

it's true - home is wherever we're together, and who cares that we got home at 11 and had to make three stops which extended our trip by a couple hours.

who cares when we were together.

Motherhood as a Mission Field

2011-06-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

The seguays in my mind are clear, although the words fail. as do i.

Micah used to take a bottle like a champ.
It was the nursing that was a constant struggle.
Before nursing in public, or around others, in the nursing mother's room at church
i would get a flood of panic, break out into a cold sweat wondering if this would be one of the times he would refuse my breast, cry as if i were torturing him and just. not. eat.
I would bring bottles of pumped milk anytime i would go anywhere.
just in case.
In case he refused to nurse, i would have backup.
Sometimes i would use it and sometimes i wouldn't have to.
Those were the good days that i wouldn't mind wasting the gold that was pumped milk.
I would pour it down the drain happily, knowing he'd prefer me and not the plastic nipple.

And slowly, we found our groove.
As he began to eat better, my confidence grew and bottles no longer made their way into my diaper bag unless we needed them.
A friend helped me conquer my fear of public nursing with a trip to the zoo.
She had both of us sit on a bench in the most crowded, high traffic area in front of monkey island with our babies and nurse (with covers of course!) She new i was nervous, but strength in numbers and a boy that likes his food helped. He did great and slowly i began trading bottles for my nursing cover - at Starbucks on a shopping trip with Curtis' mom, at the pool, a BBQ, downtown Toronto, in the car.

So when we left Micah with my parents and sister on our anniversary i thought nothing of it.
We left a bottle and made our way to our massages.
Little did we know that his growing love for nursing pushed out all tolerance for a bottle.
Only later did we learn that he cried and screamed during that bedtime feeding until they put down the bottle and let him go to sleep with only a couple ounces of milk in his belly.

Then i got a headache a few days later, and as i slept Curtis tried to give him a bottle.
a fight to the finish, Micah won, again, with eating little, only calmed by the fact that the rest of the bottle went down the drain.

This past weekend we decided to try to bottle train him. For those instances when i can't be around. When i want to go somewhere for more than a couple hours. For a time when we may want an overnight date somewhere, or a dinner date even.

Saturday night was a torturous two hours spent with a screaming, milk-splattered infant who finally fell asleep in my arms on the floor of his room, exhausted from protest. The night ended with me nursing him as he hungrily sleep-ate two hours too late, praying, Lord, why? and being reminded that other mom's would give anything to be able to nurse their babies and i'm complaining that he isn't taking a bottle. i was put in my place for the night.

Sunday we decided to try in at his dinnertime feeding instead of right before bed when he's at his tired-est. Still, no luck. The feeding ended in my throwing the bottle and crying. I felt trapped. I couldn't make a hair appointment for fear i wouldn't be back in time for a feeding. The idea of a date seemed like a joke. And the thought of leaving him with anyone in fear of him taking a fit seemed unfair to them and to him. So i had a selfish hissy fit and gave up, again. The evening ended in me nursing a hungry, tear-stained boy again. He was tired, and so was i.

Then this morning, before googling terms related to training a nursing baby to take a bottle, i read this, and was put in my place once more:

Motherhood as A Mission Field

by Rachel Jankovic

There is a good old saying, perhaps only said by my Grandfather, that distance adds intrigue. It is certainly true — just think back to anything that has ever been distant from you that is now near. Your driver’s license. Marriage. Children. Things that used to seem so fascinating, but as they draw near become less mystical and more, well, real.

This same principle certainly applies to mission fields too. The closer you get to home, the less intriguing the work of sacrifice seems. As someone once said, “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help Mom with the dishes.” When you are a mother at home with your children, the church is not clamoring for monthly ministry updates. When you talk to other believers, there is not any kind of awe about what you are sacrificing for the gospel. People are not pressing you for needs you might have, how they can pray for you. It does not feel intriguing, or glamorous. Your work is normal, because it is as close to home as you can possibly be. You have actually gone so far as tobecome home.

Home: The Headwaters of Mission

If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the Church.

There are a number of ways in which mothers need to study their own roles, and begin to see them, not as boring and inconsequential, but as home, the headwaters of missions.

At the very heart of the gospel is sacrifice, and there is perhaps no occupation in the world so intrinsically sacrificial as motherhood. Motherhood is a wonderful opportunity to live the gospel. Jim Elliot famously said, “He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Motherhood provides you with an opportunity to lay down the things that you cannot keep on behalf of the people that you cannot lose. They are eternal souls, they are your children, they are your mission field.

Faith Makes the Small Offering Great

If you are like me, then you may be thinking “What did I ever give up for them? A desk job? Time at the gym? Extra spending money? My twenty- year- old figure? Some sleep?” Doesn’t seem like much when you put it next to the work of some of the great missionaries, people who gave their lives for the gospel.

Think about the feeding of the five thousand when the disciples went out and rounded up the food that was available. It wasn’t much. Some loaves. Some fish. Think of some woman pulling her fish out and handing it to one of the disciples. That had to have felt like a small offering. But the important thing about those loaves and those fishes was not how big they were when they were given, it was about whose hands they were given into. In the hands of the Lord, that offering was sufficient. It was more than sufficient. There were leftovers. Given in faith, even a small offering becomes great.

Look at your children in faith, and see how many people will be ministered to by your ministering to them. How many people will your children know in their lives? How many grandchildren are represented in the faces around your table now?

Gain What You Cannot Lose in Them

So, if mothers are strategically situated to impact missions so greatly, why do we see so little coming from it? I think the answer to this is quite simple: sin. Discontent, pettiness, selfishness, resentment. Christians often feel like the right thing to do is to be ashamed about what we have. We hear that quote of Jim Elliot’s and think that we ought to sell our homes and move to some place where they need the gospel

But I’d like to challenge you to look at it differently. Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time. You will never make any differencethere if you cannot be at peace here. You cannot have a heart for missions, but not for the people around you. A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive.

God loves the little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&J’s will feed thousands. Given in faith, those presents on Christmas morning will bring delight to more children than you can count. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beginning. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God’s hands, it will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all who have need of it have eaten and are satisfied. And even then, there will be leftovers.

Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

I was reminded that it's okay if he won't take a bottle (although i'm still interested in finding ways for him to warm up to the idea), that it's okay if i feel "tied down" by my son. It is my pleasure to be his mother, to provide for his immediate needs. This is my calling, my ministry. To serve my son and my husband is my job, and it is my joy to do so.

I can get so caught up in me - what i'm missing out on, what i'm giving up to do this thing that ties me down - (ie. nursing) and i forget that i fought hard to get here. And not just to get him to nurse, but to become a mother at all.

Two years ago i would have gladly sacraficed ANYTHING to become a mother, now i was complaining about having to feed him every few hours.

Again i was put in my place. remembering that sometimes the smallest offereings are the hardest.
sometimes the daily sacrafices are the biggest.

It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but if you spend your time at home resenting the imposition your children are on you, you do not. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and a fussiness about your life at the same time.

God loves the little offerings.

*article found here: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-as-a-mission-field
but found on my friend Kara's blog {here} first.

this momma likes naptimes on mondays

2011-06-20T21:09:00.000-04:00

napping is not micah's strong suite
sleeping 12+ hours a night is
but napping, nah, he's not so fond.

on mondays i work.
i catch up on dishes and laundry from the weekend,
i nurse and i work
i wouldn't say micah gets ignored per se
but it's probably the day of the week where he gets the most alone play time

i just wish he napped better, or longer, or at all.

actually, today wasn't so bad.
some days he can go all day on one measly 20 minute nap
today he got about 3

lately, i can sense when he needs a nap before he konks out
about an hour and a half after he wakes up in the morning he starts to get fussy
so into the crib he goes
usually he will happily babble for almost a half an hour
then like clockwork he starts to whine
maybe cry for a minute or two
and then nothing
silence

and every morning that we're home
i don't have to look at him to know what he looks like
pacifier long fallen out of his mouth onto the sheets
both arms stretched up over his head
knees sprawled apart with the soles of his feet touching one another.

he is a predictable little sleeping boy.

but even though i know what he looks like sleeping,
sometimes i still sneak into his room and watch him.

like today, i heard the cry before slits for eyes and although i knew sleep was near
i walked into his room to watch the shift take place.
as his eyes were starting to close i caught his eye
and as both eyes opened
the biggest smile spread across his face

and i didn't care that i had prolongued sleep
i'm his momma and i can do what i want.

so i walked over, leaned down to kiss his belly, his forehead, his nose
and let him fall asleep to the sound of my whispers.

today he was so peaceful, instead of tiptoeing out of his room, i sat in the rocker and watched him
i wished i could crawl into his crib and lie next to him
wrap around him in his cool, dark room for the half an hour i know he'd be silent.

but instead, it is a monday, so i tip toed downstairs to work
to write and pretend i'm not missing out on the quietest moments of our day
drowning out the rhythmic hum of the dryer for fingers clicking keys
writing words i no longer care much about

right now it's all about paying for our broken garage door
bad brakes
saving for the future
having a cushion

i don't love mondays,
but today i am sure that this is the way God is choosing to provide for us now
for the extras and the unexpected
so i will like them more than i used to.

i will happily sacrafice 'me time' today for that end
and be grateful for the times today when i can watch him sleep
grateful that i can be the one that gets to go in and settle him back down when he startles himself awake
i get to be the one that he smiles for when he wakes up and i'm there
already in his room before his eyes open
the one that hears him stirring before he starts to cry
the one that gets to wipe the gook from his right eye, the one with the clogged tear duct
and the one that gets to kiss his belly button while changing the 10th diaper of the day.

i may not love mondays or love spending them hoping micah will nap so i can work,
but it more than pays off on tuesdays, when he's all mine and there's nothing left to do but
read books and take walks and see friends and play.

so i guess i should get back to work since he's been asleep for an hour and Curtis is downstairs with friends and i'm sitting in bed with an iced decaf coffee and my laptop blogging when i should be working so we can play tomorrow.

*note on the photos: no joke, this is how micah fell asleep at my mom's a while ago. he was playing on part of his bundle me car seat cover, and just konked out - so we left him right where he was...creepily cute!

happy first father's day

2011-06-19T17:24:00.001-04:00

there are so many reasons I love this man, but over the last four months I have come up with so many more.

Just the tip of the iceberg: he loves us so well.

five years

2011-06-17T09:50:00.000-04:00

today marks five years of marriage for me and my first boy.

last year we celebrated four years with plans to adopt.

we went out to dinner and talked about all the ways we thought our life would change over the next year.
we talked about paperwork and finances and home studies and referrals and we dreamed about this very day - wondering if we'd have our little brown-skinned boy by our next anniversary.

and now, today is here and here we are - setting up plans for a babysitter in order to celebrate all that we've been through this year.

our brown-skinned babe isn't here with us, yet, but we do have one handsome little boy to call our own today.
i hear him talking to himself in his crib as i type.

we didn't know at our anniversary dinner last year that i was already pregnant.
we didn't know that about two weeks later we'd get the shock of a lifetime.

all we knew is that we were on our way to becoming parents, one way or another...
and it was good to be together and dream of the way our future was about to unfold.

but we couldn't have dreamed up the turns our life was about to take.
and tonight, we'll do it again.
we'll drop off our kid (gosh, when did we become old enough to have a kid?!) and we'll talk and dream about what this next year could hold.
the possibilities seriously are endless, and thrilling, and just a tiny bit scary.

but the possibilities are good, so good
and we're in it together
so really, what more could i ask for?

happy anniversary my love, my husband, best friend, father of my firstborn son
you are incredible and i'm so lucky to call you mine.

21 memos from your child

2011-06-14T19:47:00.000-04:00

i saw this {here} and thought it was quite thought provoking as a new mother...
thought maybe you would too...

21 Memos From Your Child

1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not have all I ask for. I am only testing you.

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.

3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly “big”.

5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

6. Don’t make me feel all of my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

7. Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way, sometimes.

8. Don’t be upset when I say “I hate you”. It isn’t you I hate, but your power to thwart me.

9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

10. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

11. Don’t forget that I can’t explain myself as well as I should like. This is why I’m not always very accurate.

12. Don’t make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.

13. Don’t tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.

14. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

15. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real to me and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

16. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

17. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.

18. Don’t ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you.

19. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.

20. Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t do without it, so please be patient with it.

21. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding and unconditional love, but I don’t need to tell you that, do I?

original author unknown

the playmat's not just for babies

2011-06-13T17:39:00.000-04:00

our little family

2011-06-12T07:38:00.000-04:00

mea

me

curtis

micah

*iphone app used is called Picture Magic.

to canada

2011-06-11T17:34:00.000-04:00

i already told you what i did half of the trip to canada -

the other half was spent sitting shotgun while curtis drove.

he wanted company up front, so i busted out my favorite hipstamatic iphone app and started clicking away

i didn't have to worry about Micah

he was a champ and literally (ps. can't say "literally" without thinking of that one episode of parks and recreation!) slept the entire way - with one "breast-stop" as my dad liked referring to them as.

at one point my mom was sitting in the back next to the carseat and i looked back and Micah was gripping one of her fingers in each of his little palms in his sleep. it was the cutest.

anyways, these are some of our roadtrip pics...

to the moon

2011-06-10T17:32:00.001-04:00

thanks to my sister-in-law Tara, i am now hooked on embroidery.

after a few trial projects on some scrap material, i decided to take a plain white onesie
with us on our trip to Toronto last weekend. because i obviously didn't have an iron with me in the car to do an iron on, i simply looked at it and drew on the onesie freehand-style with a pen (not the best way i'm sure, but hey, it worked)

i then spent the next few hours in the car (while Micah slept like an angel) embroidering until my fingers hurt and my eyes were tired. but i had finished my first little project and i think it's pretty cute.

too bad he spit up on it not 10 minutes after i put it on him.

but at least i have the pictures.

bathroom photoshoot

2011-06-09T08:29:00.000-04:00

last week me and M had a little bathroom photoshoot because he was all smiles.
however, as soon as i whipped out my phone, he was more interested in it then in smiling
(see bottom left photo - totally had eyes only for the phone screen)

nana's pool

2011-06-08T09:22:00.000-04:00

better than a kiddie pool in our backyard is my Nana's pool a few cities over.
last week me and the boy made it there twice.
once with my sister and my mom and the second time with daddy.
here are the pictures to prove it:

sunday = the day of rest + swimming in a frigid kiddie pool

2011-06-07T07:21:00.000-04:00

the fright on his face in the top right photo is less about Curtis' attempt at making Micah float as it is the sheer grief of a hose-filled kiddie pool of ice-cold water.
even after numerous kettles of hot water poured in africa-style, the water was no less icey and resulted in a ten minute adventure.
but in those ten minutes we gave the good sport a sudsy bath and got some super duper blackmail shots for his future wife to mock. (shots with his cold little peepee will not be featured on my blog anytime soon!)
it was cute, but next time we'll definitely be letting the water sit for a few hours in the sun before we shock his system again.

the progression of his faces

2011-06-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

today i busted out my iphone's hipstamatic app while Micah was playing away in his high chair (Monday's are my get-it-done days and he was keeping me company as i was working at my desk)
anyways, this is the outcome. one semi-serious baby turned happy face.
he obviously likes the camera, or at the very least, tolerates it well as it really is always in his face.

nothing better than a laughing baby

2011-05-31T10:39:00.001-04:00

This weekend we were in Toronto
Between hanging with family and wedding festivities, we caught this on video:

I present to you Micah's first laughs!

I think I've watched it at least 10 times already...

true that

2011-05-26T19:26:00.000-04:00

A perfectly kept house is a sign of a misspent life.
-Mary Randolph Carter

*Curtis may not agree, but i sure do.

like right here, we could have been inside the house
cleaning, scrubbing, sweeping
but instead we were outside,
under our new umbrella
on a blanket
reading and enjoying the weather
and each other
and the view of that pooper-scooper leaning up against that
disgustingly old plastic chair

i do not have a perfectly kept house
it's not an embarrassing house
but perfect, it is not
but we enjoy it
and enjoy each other more.

on motherhood: they said it better

2011-05-25T09:24:00.003-04:00

+ a little Micah video for your viewing pleasure...

The strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.
-Barbara Kingsolver

A mother's love for her child is like nothing in the world. It knows no law,
it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
-Agatha Christie

Mothers are instinctive philosophers.
-Harriet Beecher Stowe

If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite,
something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to
find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more
eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby
when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the
sun shining on its cradle.
-Vincent van Gogh

A babe in the house is a wellspring of pleasure, a messenger of peace and love,
a resting place for innocence on early, a link between angels and men.
-M.F. Tupper

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently
solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
-Unknown

30 - 1 = me

2011-05-24T08:26:00.000-04:00

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
-Helen Keller

i am loving the adventure that my 29th year has brought.
now i'm on my way to 30 and i love it.
call me crazy but i love getting older
every year has been better than the next and i'm enjoying this daring, dizzying adventure

a case of the mondays

2011-05-23T07:57:00.001-04:00

"Easter is over but being faithful in the routines, on the Mondays
after the Sundays, is important. It is as
inversely important as it seems unglamorous."

-Stephen Nichols

I used to hate Mondays.
The start of another work week.
the office grind
i don't think i was ever really cut out for it
i liked what i did
but being stuck in an office five days a week wasn't exactly my cup of tea

now i must say, i kinda like Mondays
i never thought i'd be able to say that
the get-it-done days as they've become
whether it's writing work, cleaning the house
catching up on a weekend's worth of laundry and dishes
or starting a new week with lots of semi open-mouthed, wet kisses from an
increasingly attentive and smiley boy

me and Mondays are no longer fighting
(hear that Kate)
and actually, i think we may now be life-long friends.

just a few things I like...actually I love, about nursing

2011-05-22T17:48:00.000-04:00

The way Micah looks up at me while nursing, we lock eyes and he holds
my gaze without blinking and out stares me

The way he kind of hums to himself between swallows, like a very content exhale

The way he smiles, mid suck, as he's about to drift asleep

The way I lean down to kiss whatever part of him my mouth can reach,
and if my lips can't reach I lick his little finger, or cheek or
forehead

The way he sometimes gets too much milk and coughs, unlatches to catch
up and gives me a big milk mustache grin

The way his hand grasps my shirt, or bra or the skin of my chest

The way he covers his eyes with his curled up balls of fists when he's
almost done eating

Or stretches his arms up over his head right before I lift him up to burp

Or the way the little bobble head burps up on the cloth on my shoulder
and then plops his face in it, and the way the curdler milk sticks to
every eyebrow and lash

And the way, sometimes, he falls asleep while eating, and I just
gently push away and watch him sleep on my lap, sometimes quietly
moving him to his crib, and sometimes just enjoying the weight of him
on my lap

i can hardly believe it

2011-05-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

I can barely believe that on this day exactly 12 weeks ago Micah was born.
At this very minute actually - 11:12am.
This reality hits me hard as I think about starting work again on Monday.
I'm a little sad, a bit nervous and a whole lot of anxious.

But I really shouldn't be because I'm not actually going back to work.
I'm going to be working from home only 10 hours a week, but still,
just the thought of this change in my newfound routine is really
throwing me off-kilter.

I think the root of my fear is that those hours spent writing will
take away time, focus and energy for my true job.
Motherhood.
I take it very seriously and the thought of a distraction from it,
even a paid distraction, makes me cringe.

Sunday night will come and I have a feeling that I'll feel that
familiar tug of what i like to call the Sunday night blues,
maybe not as strong as my days in an
office, but I'm sure it will be present.

Then Monday I will wake up and
try to manage this new phase of life with a little less sleep if I
have to and a whole lot of prayer.

stupid blogger

2011-05-13T16:20:00.001-04:00

i posted yesterday and had a post all scheduled to go up at exactly 11:12 this morning - 12 weeks to the minute that Micah was born, but something happened with blogger earlier and now they're both gone.
ugh, i don't have the time or the mental capacity to try to recreate what i wrote to commemorate this, my last day of official maternity leave.

spring walk

2011-05-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

a couple nights ago we took a walk
the weather was perfect
the route was peculiar
and my shoes were a bit uncomfortable
but my two boys make every little adventure
all the more fun
and photo-worthy

on my first mother's day as a mother and the two that came before

2011-05-08T06:11:00.000-04:00

Today is a day of great joy for me.
My first Mother's Day.
I'm not sure if I could have appreciated what an amazing gift this day
is for me without the sadness and struggle that the last two Mother's
Days have been.

Anyone who has tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant with their first
child knows the heartache that comes with another Mother's Day without
a baby in your arms, or even in your belly. Going to church on
Mother's Day while all the mothers are called on to stand to recieve a
flower or be honored in some other way, was almost as miserable as
going to a baby shower with an empty womb. A poignant reminder of the
one thing you want most but don't have.

I had two Mother's Days like this. Days where I fought back tears, or
anger, jealousy, or all three, reminding myself over and over within a
24-hour stretch that God had a plan for our family and that he hadn't
forgotten about me.

And although last year's Mother's Day was hard, it was different. We
had nearly made the final decision to adopt. So on Mothers Day, I sat
at Curtis' parents old church and we both held that little secret
inside as moms were honored and women around the room were asked to
stand. I wasn't a mother yet, but I knew we were on our way.

So now, as I sit, a year later, I am again flabbergasted by the change
of plans. Our plans, not His. He knew all along that Micah would be
the boy that would make me a mother for the very first time.

Last year, He knew that I would be joining all other moms today when I
didn't have a clue. He knew Micah's birthday before I knew I was
pregnant. And he knew how much joy and thankfulness he would bring
into our family when two became three.

Now that I have a child (literally sleeping in my arms as I type
this),looking back, two years of waiting for him doesn't seem that
long. In the moment, every month seemed like an eternity, and every
period I got during that time felt like a blow to the stomach, but I
would have gladly waited many more years for this one. This boy. The
sleeping baby wearing blue and white and grey like the sky today. The
one breathing softly and audibly laughing in his sleep in my arms
after a good cry tuckered him out.

I would have gladly sat through many more Mother's Day services
waiting patiently for him.
But I'm sure glad I dont have too.

I am reminded of the verse, "Sorrow may last for a night {or two
years} but joy comes in the morning,"

This morning my sorrow is gone and my heart is full of inexplicable joy.

Happy Mothet's Day to every women who has ever staggered through this
day in May fighting back tears of sadness or loss. To every woman
waiting for their time of celebration, and to every mother who has the
honor to wake up today to a card, a call or a kiss from those who call
you mom.

What an honor it is to be counted among you.

i wanna be a baby, they get cool gifts

2011-05-07T07:26:00.000-04:00

His new M-I-C-A-H stool from his Nana, Neil, Aunt Ava & Uncle Cary

His other stool from Aunt Tara & fam (he got this a while ago but it's too cute not to show - plus, it continues to prove how much of an owl-fanatic i am!)

His (& Curtis') Easter loot

The burpers made by Aunt Tara (I thought they were too cute to use, so i framed them)

The other handmade embroidery Aunt Tara made just for Micah

We've had this for a while, but i still love it - mobile made by my Aunt Mary (we've got some artsy-fartsy family, don't we)

The bird (and squirrel) banner made by my friend Kati for my shower - it's been up for a while but it still makes me smile

And a post wouldn't be complete without a cute baby pic!

Have a happy Saturday friends!

nicknames and other embarrassing things future girlfriends may like to see

2011-05-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

i call him:

Micah Moo
Cottage cheese breath
Poop butt
Monk head (due to the bald spot that now wraps around his head)
Midget man
Smiley-puss
Burp face
Stinky pants
Grumpy pants
Crusty eyes
Cuddle mc'cuddleson

and the list goes on and on

and if that's not enough to make any school-aged kid blush with embarrassment, i will include the cutest naked baby picture i could get:

i give you big-belly squishy bottom baby!

and because i think he's just too cute, one more...

baby's first easter

2011-04-25T13:38:00.000-04:00

it was a great day. a great weekend too.
a good friday service
a sunny saturday complete with lunch on a patio with a grandma and a great grandma
a walk around the neighborhood and a little bit of lounging around before dinner with some family.
and easter sunday started early with a 5am wakeup call
the caller being a cute little bunny named Micah with a little fuzzy bum.
but we couldn't be upset because he slept eight hours and was ready to party.
the day started with easter treats for my boys and gifts from grandma and other family,
a little photo shoot as he learns how to sit up straight in his bumbo chair,
reading the book {little colt's palm sunday} followed by the real easter story,
a wonderful church service and a houseful of family for dinner at my aunt and uncles.
the bunny feet were a hit
and he must've had fun on his first easter because he slept another 8 hours last night and so did i!

dread and delight

2011-04-21T03:48:00.002-04:00

I love the way that little breath breathes
The nearly silent gasp wheeze snort by nightlight glow
Quickening and slowing to his lactose dreams
Head over my shoulder
Arms swadled down by his sides like the trusting
Cacooned baby that he is

This morning we go to his two month checkup
The one with the shots
And I'm anxious in the night
Less from the idea of his momentary pain
Sad to admit
But from the possibility of my nervous
Protective reaction
I am not a crier but with this boy I have surprised myself before
So we will see

I'm excited for him to be weighed
This dead weight in my arms
The weight that breaks the blood vessels in the crease of my elbow when I carry him like that in his carseat too long
My guess is 10-11 lbs

My chubby bunny was too big for a little 3-6 month old gerber onesie yesterday
The whole pack of them
They looked small but still
Just the thought makes me whoozy
With dread and delight

Sent from my iPhone (at 3:47 am)

the wear and tear (literally)

2011-04-20T16:43:00.000-04:00

i read {this}
while sitting at the salon, waiting for my highlights to be done this morning.
it kind of made me get that queasy feeling you get when you remember something you'd rather not, and it kind of made me self-consciously tear up a bit as i sat in the chair surrounded by other women with tin foil on their head's too.
either way, i found myself reading along because i identified with it - all of it...even the mirror part. ugh.

the fact of the matter is.
just when you think you think you'll never be the same
you are
and you aren't simultaneously.

but when that nugget falls asleep with his face resting on your neck smelling of self tanning lotion and aveda hair products
you know it doesn't really matter and all is right with the world. and your husband will love your still semi-jiggly belly still marked by the linea negra (and now the orange glow of self tanner) and all the other slightly unpleasant, but mostly beautiful things that mark the fact that a life was created and was pushed out, full-throttle, marking a birthday and a date you will never forget.

not all stays the same when a human makes their grand entrance,
but all is better for it. because of it and in spite of it.