Wednesday, March 7, 2012

from the pages of this morning's journal


On Christmas eve the winter i was pregnant, they had us nail our biggest sin/struggle to a wooden cross at the front of the sanctuary as a way to symbolize that Christ took it away when he died on the cross for us.

I sat there in the dark - all silent in thought just like me.

the word "fear" kept creeping into my mind.

But i wasn't afraid, i kept thinking, and anyways, i've got sins in my life far greater than fear. but for what seemed like hours (in reality, minutes) God began to show me all of my fearful parts

fear of labor, of motherhood - that all i longed for wouldn't be all i had hoped it would be,
fear of finances, job uncertainty (my job's future was still uncertain at this point), fear of death, of stillbirth - and so much more.

As i began to be confronted with my heart that was ridden with fear, God opened my eyes to the fact that my fear was, in fact, sin against him.

I didn't trust him.

I was scared because my faith was small to the truth that He cared, would provide, protect and was in control.

So, on that little scrap of paper i wrote:

I am afraid.

and i nailed that confession to the cross up front.

Days later i was reading scripture and i read a verse that became my mantra, my anthem during labor, delivery, infancy, nursing, working from home - through everything where peace and trust needed to replace fear and doubt.

"when i am afraid i will trust in you."

I even created a little song i'd sing to Micah in those first teary nights (and days) when i began to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, scared that that delusional, sleep-deprived state would never end (thank the Lord, it did!)

It was just the words of that verse plus a few words that i don't think changed the meaning at all, all sung to a little made-up tune:

when i am afraid i will trust in you
trust in you
trust in you
when i am afraid i will trust in Jesus
all the day looooooong.

and over and over i'd sing it to him -
but really, to myself.

So, this morning when i woke up, for some reason (i believe it was the Holy Spirit), i was reminded of that verse again.

After an evening with our bible study friends around our dining room table last night,
as we were recounting just a snippet of the ways in which God has redeemed our lives like he did Moses' father-in-law, Jethro -- we told our stories, like Moses told his to his wife's dad. And what happened?

This pagan priest of Midian, a nation of many gods became a follower and worshipper of the one true God.

So now, tempted to doubt in so many things - but namely this morning that God can provide for our adoption, again i sing,

when i am afraid i will trust in you.

I've tried so hard to trust when deep down we're only looking for enough trust to make this adoption work without God's help. Finding ways, on our own, to make the numbers balance on our own to afford this adoption (and it's impossible, trust us, we've tried).

But i believe that this morning He's asking us, challenging us to give up the reigns, the purse strings and trust Him. To believe that yes, maybe he'll  make a way by simply letting us have the means to repay a credit card balance for this baby, but maybe, just maybe he's got a far different way up his all-knowing sleeve.

But do i trust him?
Can i let go of the fear and trust that he's got this?

"When I am afraid I will trust in You."
-Psalm 56:3


CitricSugar said...

Thank you for sharing this. Beautiful post.

Veda Penick said...

Praying with you and for you every step of the way!

Anonymous said...

I can very much identify this this - which has surprised me! I never thought I was someone who feared or worried - oh how God has shown me otherwise! I'm right there with you girl - reminding myself to trust in Him! :)

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