Sunday, May 8, 2011

on my first mother's day as a mother and the two that came before

Today is a day of great joy for me.
My first Mother's Day.
I'm not sure if I could have appreciated what an amazing gift this day
is for me without the sadness and struggle that the last two Mother's
Days have been.

Anyone who has tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant with their first
child knows the heartache that comes with another Mother's Day without
a baby in your arms, or even in your belly. Going to church on
Mother's Day while all the mothers are called on to stand to recieve a
flower or be honored in some other way, was almost as miserable as
going to a baby shower with an empty womb. A poignant reminder of the
one thing you want most but don't have.

I had two Mother's Days like this. Days where I fought back tears, or
anger, jealousy, or all three, reminding myself over and over within a
24-hour stretch that God had a plan for our family and that he hadn't
forgotten about me.

And although last year's Mother's Day was hard, it was different. We
had nearly made the final decision to adopt. So on Mothers Day, I sat
at Curtis' parents old church and we both held that little secret
inside as moms were honored and women around the room were asked to
stand. I wasn't a mother yet, but I knew we were on our way.

So now, as I sit, a year later, I am again flabbergasted by the change
of plans. Our plans, not His. He knew all along that Micah would be
the boy that would make me a mother for the very first time.

Last year, He knew that I would be joining all other moms today when I
didn't have a clue. He knew Micah's birthday before I knew I was
pregnant. And he knew how much joy and thankfulness he would bring
into our family when two became three.

Now that I have a child (literally sleeping in my arms as I type
this),looking back, two years of waiting for him doesn't seem that
long. In the moment, every month seemed like an eternity, and every
period I got during that time felt like a blow to the stomach, but I
would have gladly waited many more years for this one. This boy. The
sleeping baby wearing blue and white and grey like the sky today. The
one breathing softly and audibly laughing in his sleep in my arms
after a good cry tuckered him out.

I would have gladly sat through many more Mother's Day services
waiting patiently for him.
 But I'm sure glad I dont have too.

I am reminded of the verse, "Sorrow may last for a night {or two
years} but joy comes in the morning,"

This morning my sorrow is gone and my heart is full of inexplicable joy.

Happy Mothet's Day to every women who has ever staggered through this
day in May fighting back tears of sadness or loss. To every woman
waiting for their time of celebration, and to every mother who has the
honor to wake up today to a card, a call or a kiss from those who call
you mom.

What an honor it is to be counted among you.


Kate said... thankful for that sweet boy and the way God will use Him to shape and change you into who you're supposed to be. love you!

The Harringtons said...

I couldn't get through this post without tears blurring my vision. Praise God for the grace He poured into you and Curtis to make it through those two years leading up to parenthood with strength. Micah is so blessed to call you "Mom." Happy Mother's Day!

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