Wednesday, March 30, 2011


i think i underestimated the power of a playmat...
we got ours in the mail today and
i'm not kidding you
this boy has been as happy as a clam under it for well over an hour now.
i really like the one we ended up getting
you can find it {here} and it's just my style... owls and neutrals
i think i have an obsession with owls. 
i think i should stop with the owls now.
i don't want to become that weirdo owl lady.

the fog is lifting


you see that sweet little face?
well, it just got a little bit sweeter to me.
you see, this little boy is just two days shy of his six weeks birthday and 
he slept through the night last night.
slept through the night as in a full eight hours straight

a friend told me that at the six week mark
most people feel that newborn fog lifting
probably due to a semi-consistent sleeping baby

but i doubted.
boy did i doubt her in my exhausted, sleep-deprived state.
but boy oh boy, i think she was on to something.
i woke up after sleeping from 9:30 to almost 6 
and i feel like a million bucks
no, make that a billion bucks.

thank you Micah
thank you from the bottom of my finally, rested heart!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

the bib says it all

*found this at Target...couldn't have said it better myself :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

every beautiful letdown


This suck smack and swallow symphony
Eyes closed
White cornered milky mouth
Forming a satisfied succulent oh
Where pink and brown and freckles collide
Somedays this cow and calf dance overwhelmed me and leaves me counting minutes until this feeding merges with the next
A nursing mothers job is never done
Doesn't start with the sun or end with the moon
The only change is the backdrop 
or scenery from the window, the chair, the shirt I may be wearing, or his, or not at all
This breast burp breast burp pattern
Can drive you mad or make you stop mid swallow or pump and leave you feeling as calm as the clouds out today with every beautiful letdown
it changes

this spring


i will... i hope to...

Write in my journal more
Decide whether or not to send out birth announcements

Learn how to really use my camera
Set up the patio furniture
Take walks in the mornings
Stay up later
Decide about cloth diapers
See les miserables downtown

...not a huge list, but a start.

Friday, March 25, 2011

oh the faces you'll see

oh the faces you'll see

i'm not kidding you when i tell you that this little 5 week old boy has got an infinite number of faces.
nervous, anxious, worried and mad are some of his top expressions, but he's also, often content, inquisitive and hopefully soon, we'll be seeing some happy smiles.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thursday afternoon, photo edition












i am thankful for him.






i didn't have to have a kid to know that i was a lucky girl in terms of the boy i was lucky enough to marry.

but let me tell you, it has only been made more clear as i've watched him effortlessly float into fatherhood.

i know some guys say they don't really bond with their kids until they start to talk or show affection back,
but in Curtis' case, i watch the way he looks at our son and it is apparent, they've bonded.

I'll give you last night/ this morning as an example...

Last night we had people over for dinner. Shortly after they left i started nursing Micah his evening feeding. When i was done, i burped him and gently handed the almost sleeping baby to my husband, laying on the couch, tv on, laptop by his side. He took him, and i kissed them both goodnight.

it was 8:30.

then i walked up the stairs, crawled into bed to the sound of Micah stirring, crying and being lulled back to sleep by his daddy.

This morning i wasn't feeling too good. my neck was killing me (note to self: don't carry child in sling for 3 hours straight) and my stomach was hurting. At 5am Micah woke up and was ready to eat. Curtis doesn't have to wake up until 5:30 on workdays, but he knew i wasn't feeling good and when i asked him if he'd give him a bottle so i could keep sleeping, he popped out of bed, happily, a half hour early and did just that. gave up sleep with a smile, kissed my achy neck and started whispering good mornings to our guy.

I woke up as Curtis was about to leave for work.

Thank you, i told him, but when is thank you enough?

...for being my sanity, my companion, my literal better half.

Some days, as i struggle to get a cup of coffee before lunch, i think how jaw-droppingly lucky i am to have snagged a guy so perfectly cut out for fatherhood. he was born to be a dad, i tell ya. seriously.

and i know, when he comes home from work, he'll give me a kiss and make a beeline to the little man and not give him up until i insist he change out of his work clothes so he doesn't ruin them with spit up, poop or pee.

so he'll change into sweats, strap on the baby bjorn and they'll meander around the house together...

my two guys.

Monday, March 21, 2011

what makes my mood on a monday morning

nursing at my desk while browsing online
easter candy after shredded wheat
green pacifiers littering our house
a mustard yellow handmade blanket by my mom on my lap
7 undisturbed hours of sleep in a row last night
yoga pant mornings
tackling the list of thank you cards
just being home with my boy

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

no one told me there would be tears









I am not a crier.

But there's something about this little being that has cracked me open and what was revealed within were tears I didn't know I had.

The moment when Micah came headfirst into the world was anticlimactic. After laboring for almost 24 hours and pushing for 2, I was exhausted. One push before he came my doctor told me, "Jess, he'll be here with your next contraction."

Then someone walked into my room. A new nurse and she asked me something or introduced herself or something because before I knew it, I was momentarily distracted and a minute later my doctor was asking me if I was having another contraction (the beauty of an epidural!)

Before I could get the words, "I think I am." out of my mouth, he slipped out of me.

I mean, seriously. No last, final, teeth-bearing push was necessary. It was incredible. The hardest work had already been done the previous contraction and we were all witness of what happens when the body takes over and does what it's supposed to do.

When he came out they "threw" him on my bare chest. I would say they gently layed him there, but it really wasn't that  graceful. In that moment tears stung my eyes. This was the beginning of motherhood in the realest sense.

I looked at Curtis who was visibly moved at that point and before a tear could run down my cheek, his little baby arm, covered in vernix reached out and slapped me straight in the eye.

In that moment of deep-bellied emotion, he brought laughter (and a plea for someone to give me something to wipe my eye.)

I write this now, at 1:02am on Tuesday morning. Micah is swaddled and asleep laying on my chest after a feeding that left him breathing heavy.

Curtis is sleeping next to me with earplugs in, snoring rhythmically.
The tv is on nearly silently, mostly for the glow and to keep me awake until he falls fast enoughasleep to place him back into the basinette.

It is a good night. There have been no tears, unlike last night.

Tonight I nursed at 8 and then Curtis took the baby so I could try to get a couple hours of sleep before the night really began. He ended up bringing a sleeping baby up at 10 and he miraculously slept (and so did I) until midnight.

Last night was a very different picture.
Micah cried from his 8pm feeding until 3:30am. It was miserable. He was gassy and grumpy and inconsolable. At 3am, after trying to soothe him for hours, I put him in his swing (which i had brought up to his room so i wouldnt have to sleep on the couch) still sobbing and crawled into bed and started sobbing myself.

I felt helpless, exhausted and alone as I was trying not to disturb Curtis.

Even through earplugs he heard me and without me needing to ask, he got up, tied on his robe and calmly took over. Even my guilt of knowing he was loosing sleep on a worknight was eclipsed by my utter exhaustion as he gave me a tissue and told me to go to sleep - which I did.

I don't know how long he was up, but I know we both woke up at 7:30am (almost two hours late for him) and again I was ready to start a new day.

Tears aren't always necessary, but sometimes they are just the thing that's needed.

Tonight no tears are needed. I'm giving up precious sleep time to write this because I want to remember.

Remember how it felt to feel so raw with emotions that were stagnant, or maybe not even present in the first place.

I would give up anything for these two boys next to me. Sleep. sanity. anything.

And I will cry hot, plump tears again, no doubt. I think it's inevitable when you love something so much, it breaks you, and let's all your loose ends hanging out like live wires.

Friday, March 11, 2011

it's the way













it's the way milk pools in the corners of his mouth as he eats
and the way he saves the leftovers
as little crusty milky bits around his mouth 
for when he wakes from his full-bellied nap

it's the way his long fingers move and find his face
cover his eyes
his mouth
wrap themselves around his chest and belly
fold as if praying or begging for something

it's the way he looks at me
or through me
or right past
in an almost eye meets eye way that tells me
he's adjusting to this new world
checking it out before he makes true eye contact for the very first time

it's the way he gurgles, baaas like a lamb or snorts like a piggy in his sleep
he is my full-farm
every-animal and i love it
although it makes for a very noisy basinette in the night

it's the way he looks worried and anxious and stressed out
all at once 
even though the baby's life is one of such ease
eat poop sleep repeat.

it's the way i can stroke his cheek and squeak an 
almost smile out from under his rapidly chubby-ing cheeks
how his mouth forms a little "o" when he's thinking or happy or quietly content

it's the way he roots for me even when being held by someone else
how only i can give him that part of what he needs
and no matter how hard the cry
when laid at my chest, all sound ceases besides the suck
and swallow of deep satisfaction
i have met that need and it is the time for just us.

it's the way i watch him yawn or sleep or burp and find
that an hour can pass without words
or thoughts of anything else but those itty pink lips
crusted with three-hour old milk
a double chin that i swear wasn't there last week
or eyebrows barely visible to the human eye.

this is the makings of my day
and it's the way i've always wanted it.

the way it's 2:22pm before i can blink
and i'm lucky to have gotten a shower and a cup of coffee
it's the way it is and i'm happy every second of it.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

due date






March 5
the day we have counted down to for so long
our due date

to think that he could still be safe and upside down inside of me today
a concept, even as i look at him now, i cannot comprehend.
how that body,
this baby
fit inside of me
just as he is today
a mere two and a half weeks ago.

You are just over two weeks old today Micah David.
and already we can't imagine a life without you in it.
thank you for coming early like i predicted all along and joining our family right in the nick of time.

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