Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the thoughts that come in the morning


Early this morning I woke up to use the bathroom (as I am accustomed to doing now at least a couple times per night)
It was 4:15 am and after I laboriously plopped myself back into bed
my mind would not stop racing

Not panic really
But just thought after thought about parenthood and motherhood and how my life is soon going to change forever
In that silent way that thoughts come between dusk and dawn
My mind would not stop:

How will I know how to breastfeed?
How will I know how many diapers to buy?
What if we don’t have enough socks for him?
What if I sleep through his crying?
What if he hates to read on my lap?
What if I’m not a natural at this?
What if I take all my frustrations out on Curtis?
Should we do cloth diapers?
Will the pack and play fit behind the couch?
What if his head doesn’t fit through my pelvis?

The questions to myself were endless
As I spent an hour questioning and thinking and worrying
Then, in that way that comes with an almost new day
I was filled with comfort and hope 

I don’t have to be the best parent
The know-it-all mother
The ideal wife

I can be me as I take each day as it comes
I can ask a lot of questions, read a lot of books, take a lot of deep breaths
And love a lot on a little baby, a forgiving husband and a great big God.

We’ll be okay if we run out of clean baby socks, clean diapers, burp cloths.
I’ll be okay if I have to cry over lunch or dinner or even 2am feedings.
Or if breastfeeding doesn’t work out, or my job doesn’t work out, or if I can’t find time to work out.

We’ll be okay.

And then I drifted back to sleep only to wake up to my alarm an hour later with those thoughts still on my mind


When i woke back up, I got ready then sat in the kitchen in silence
Eating a piece of banana bread and taking my daily vitamins
a myriad of drinks surrounding me

A cup of coffee
Glass of milk
Mug of orange juice and a
Cup of ice water

no exaggeration - lately i'm more inclined to drink than to that a craving?!

And as I sipped and chewed I thought about how the worries i have today, will probably not be the worries i have tomorrow
how my mornings will soon be so different
how much i'm looking forward to this new season in our lives...


Amie said...

You know what Jess, no new parent has all the answers, nor are they the perfect parent. No second or third or even 7th time parent has all the answers- because just when you think you have everything figured out your child does something that brings you to your knees (or sometimes tears. Each child is different so we always have things to learn! Owen is such a different baby then Jackson was. And i know I will be forever learning how to do this "mommy" thing. So much of it comes natural, but there is so much I need to learn. Being a parent is not only the hardest job i have ever done- but also the most amazing. And rewarding. And gave me a relationship with God like I never had before. Watching a child discover the world makes you appreciate life in a whole new way! I think one of the biggest things I have learned- I will never have all the answers! I am so happy for you and Curtis. You will both be amazing parents!

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