Friday, December 10, 2010

a dangerous concoction


I feel M* kick and I am aware of the fact that I am a mother to this child.
Already a mother.

Motherhood doesn’t come when they’re in your arms, but in your belly.
I am connected to him in such a significant way right now
literally joined
and it is both a remarkable and terrifying thing
producing awe and wonder
delight and fear.

There is so much as stake
so much can go wrong
so I pray for grace as I read stories about
and handicaps
and still births by women who never expected to walk in those shoes.

That is the reality
of procreation in a fallen world
and some days that fact grips me to the core
and shakes me
but in order to move forward
and live in a moment of anticipation and excitement
I have to release the worst case scenarios and less than ideal senarios
and let go

Let go of the control I do not possess anyways
But let go nonetheless
of the fear that grips in the middle of the night
when wakefulness and sleep intermix

A dangerous concoction

There are no guarantees
but for this moment
there is grace

I think {I wrote about that} on this blog a few weeks ago.
grace enough for today.
there is no grace for my imagination.
just grace for today.


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