Tuesday, November 16, 2010

and i tip


I can wade grief
Whole pools of it - I'm used to that.
But the least push of joy
Breaks up my feet,
And I tip - drunken.

-Emily Dickinson

I used to feel like this 
truly i did
especially as a writer, 
i found that the more pain or heartache i felt
the more internal agony
the better, 
more raw
my writing was.

i think that changed once i got married
my eyes truly opened to a world of happiness
a deep-seated contentment
not based solely on circumstances

now this isn't to say that since marriage i haven't 
experienced any sadness or pain.
i have and i have.

but perspectives changed and i was no longer 
caught up in it all alone
i had a companion to walk through the storms with

all this to say that this has become ever more true
since getting pregnant.

and although my tendency was to tip 
in the shadows of joy, 
waiting for the rains to pour and
soak out all fragments of my happiness

i am learning to accept that utter and complete joy 
can be a part of my life
without checking behind each door to see
what lingering doom awaits.

i am slowly coming to accept the fact that
God truly delights in granting our requests
and helping us find joy in him as we enjoy the gifts he gives.

two of our good friends have had their babies in the last three days.
the first was one day late
the other, born this morning,
came four weeks early.

the latter family was supposed to be guests at our thanksgiving table
next week
oh how plans can change in a moment.

we got a call from the husband at the strike of seven a.m. this morning
telling us that his wife was already 6 cm dialated and they'd been at the hospital since 3 a.m.
i don't know who was more shocked. him or us.

these friends didn't find out the sex of either of their little ones before birth
a boy first, i think everyone, including me, was convinced this one was a boy too.
we were all wrong. at around 10 a.m. this morning, a girl they had to all of our suprise and delight.

birth is a wonderful suprise, whether a day late or a month early.
we are 16 weeks out from the due date of our boy.
with these births both having already taken place already
we are now, more than ever, anxious to meet out guy
these new babies will be his buddies in no time flat
and i'm just excited to get this party started.

and i tip with joy.
tip but don't fall over.


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