Friday, September 24, 2010

the size of my palm


Curtis has started talking to my belly.
He/she (I think he, but we’ll see in two weeks) is now the size of my open palm and can now hear sounds outside of my body.

Last week, right before waking, I had a dream.

I was taking a walk with a friend.
We stopped at some sort of outdoor shop and were browsing
When all of a sudden
Not a flutter but a kick
I can still feel it so distinctly
The first movements

In my dream I wished Curtis was there for this momentous occasion

In those waking moments before wakefulness I remember thinking
Now I know what to expect when it actually does happen.

When my mind was finally awake and aware that morning
I laid in bed
Curtis was already off to work
I remember him kissing my face and my foot (my foot?) before leaving the room.
I don’t like him leaving before the sun comes up
It was 6 am when I woke up
Already alone in bed
I lay there
Hoping for flutters
Hoping that the dream was foreshadowing
Of the morning

of course it wasn't

I’ve started to feel my heartbeat
In my stomach
That steady pulse from the extra blood flow
A slow rhythm
A reminder of the life inside

But no flutters

I know it’s early.
17 weeks on Saturday
But I’m anxious

Some days I wake up and forget for a millisecond
Before rising with a full bladder
That this is really my life.

For so long
I mulled over the idea of being pregnant
Watched friends and strangers grow and
Wondering if that would ever be me
Eventually melting into a calm resolve that it was okay if it never was

Slowly I got over the notion that to become a mother
Had to come with a growing belly
And slowly that became okay

And now, I am in the shoes of all that I’ve wanted to become for so long.
And without knowing it I am overwhelmingly grateful for this chance
The growing
The steady thud of my heart in my stomach

I thought I had given up the desire, but now that it is here
I know now
That it was never really gone

And as much as I would have been okay not experiencing this miracle firsthand
I am inexplicably grateful for the chance to walk this road that so many others have traveled before

And I’m glad the journey started how it did.
And I’m so glad it has led to this.

This moment
When I sit and ponder the path
That has led to this moment
Waiting for a flutter or a kick

This moment of my husband laying his scruffy, overgrown jaw
On my belly
As he whispers and I laugh as he tells secrets to our child and tells me to
“C my way out”
Tells me that the vibrations of his jaw on my belly are better for the baby to hear
than his moving lips on my skin
As he talks and promises the world to this little one
As I laugh and shake with giggles at my ticklish skin
Skin on skin

It is just this moment

This is all we have

The three of us

Even with one being only 
the size of my palm


Kate said...


david said...

Awesome . Wonderfully written .

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