Tuesday, August 31, 2010

four months and counting

month four

Curtis is convinced that i'm showing.
that's why he forced these photos on me.
i am not photogenic, i'll be the first to admit it.
i told him i was never a flat-tummy'd girl to begin with.
i might be down five pounds from all the puking i've been doing,
but it is getting harder and harder to suck in this gut of mine.
my clothes still fit but i can feel it coming.
the hardness, the ligament pains i've been having around my bikini line (TMI?)
so we'll see when it happens and i have to unbutton my jeans and let it all hang out -
i'm giving myself at least another month.

Monday, August 30, 2010

P isn't just for Penick - P is for Pregnant

day two, just making sure

because one middle-of-the-afternoon positive test wasn't enough
i took the second one in the box of two
bright and early the next morning.
to my surprise it was positive too
so i grabbed my camera and did a little shoot
to remember this crazy ride.

Some think the P in our bathroom is for Pee
or Poop
others understand it's for 
but this morning
July 5th, 
P was for 

d-day in pictures

month numero uno

Thursday, August 26, 2010

what i want right now...

a bright and fun granny square quilt for the babe 

like {this} but a little smaller

some fun bunting for over the crib

like {this}

{this mobile} or something like it

to sit and watch the travel channel all day long for a week -
mostly their food related shows, especially these three:
No Reservations by Anthony Bourdain
Man vs Food
Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern

and one thing i can now scratch off my list is
i found it online earlier this week (or was it last)
and my mother-in-law picked it up for me -
 lucky lady lives 10 minutes away from an ikea near chicago!

And better yet, they're coming in town this weekend
 and bringing it with them -
i'm very excited to see it all rolled out on the floor in the nursery.
what are you drooling over lately?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

the baby story, part 4: finding out

So I’ll take you back to the 4th of July. Actually, let’s start the night of the 3rd.

On Saturday night, July 3, after a nice BBQ with some neighbors that we’d never socially hung out with before, and after telling them all about our adoption, we came home and registered and paid for a 10-hour online Hague adoption training program ($175) and went through the first two lessons together. This was one of the items we had to complete before our homestudy could be completed (luckily this can be completed and remain valid for up to 3 years)

Anyways, Sunday morning, July 4, Curtis had planned to have breakfast with a friend before church, so I tagged along (because we didn’t want two cars on the west side) and I dropped him off at First Watch and made my way to the Starbucks down the street.

I brought along with me all of our adoption paperwork. We had just been sent all of our dossier paperwork and all of our home study paperwork. I sat on the patio outside of Starbucks with an iced coffee and got organized. I read what needed to be read and made lists and prioritized what had to be filled out and sent in and paid for and then with an hour left, I got to work. I began filling out paperwork for our home study.

Then it was church time, so I packed up, got Curtis and drove to church. Fast forward to the way home from church. We’re talking about our afternoon plan: to work on some paperwork that had to be mailed back to continue keeping the process rolling, then we were going to organize some stuff in the basement in order to make more room in the nursery before a family BBQ that evening.

Then I just happened to mention the fact that I was on day 37 of my cycle and I thought Clomid would give me a 28 day cycle. But I just guessed I was wrong and thought nothing of it.

Then Curtis said, “you know, before we mail in another big (non-refundable) check, why don’t we just take a pregnancy test.”

“I’m not pregnant,” I retorted.

But as I was saying that he veered into the CVS parking lot.

“Whatever,” I said as we got out of the car. I knew I wasn’t pregnant and if it took $10 to prove it then so be it.

We bought a two pack of tests, and some gum and drove home. I had to pee anyways, so I ran upstairs, tests in hand and Curtis went to go walk the dog. I’ve taken so many pregnancy tests before, I mindlessly opened one up, sat down and peed. Then I put the little cap back on and set it on the counter. I wiped, flushed, buttoned back up my jeans and glanced at the test, then at the box, then frantically at the test again.
I started to shake.

Like seriously shake.

I ran downstairs with the test and the box, but of course Curtis was still walking the dog. I paced the kitchen and continued to shake and kept muttering, “oh my gosh, oh my gosh!”

Then I heard Curtis and Mea walking up the driveway. He walked casually in the back door not knowing that he was about to be bombarded with life-changing, earth-shattering news. I picked up the test and literally threw it at him.

“Can you look at this!” I pretty much yelled at him.

“What? Ew, gross” he responded, thinking more about my pee getting on him.

“What?” he said again.

“Look at the box,” I said flatly, still shaking.

“OH MY….WHAT?! Are you serious? You’re kidding me, right?! WHAT???!!!”

Then we both started laughing, and crying and shaking. I showed him my hand, literally vibrating.

Then we both got very quiet and it hit us – the adoption.

We have to postpone the adoption.

I tried not to cry – thinking to myself how crazy – to be sad and cry when we finally got a positive pregnancy test after almost 20 months of trying.

But I told you, I’d be lying if I told you I had no emotions but pure, unadulterated joy.

We were happy, but we had to mourn the loss (or the postponement) of this other dream. It was hard. We didn’t smile. We made our way to the couch and sat down. We were both silent. In shock. Curtis suggested we pray. So we did. And we cried. Both out of happiness and sadness.

Then we said amen.

“I have to call Kate.” I said. And thankfully he agreed.

So I did.

And then she joined our shock. And we talked and it made me feel better, but I was still in shock.

Then we called my parents and told them to stop over.

And they did. And we told them and they screamed and squealed and cried and we just sat there.


And then Curtis’ brother and sister-in-law came over and we told them. She got all teary-eyed and he gave us each a massive bear hug.

Then we went to Curtis’ parents’ house for the BBQ. And we told them

They thought we were joking. We weren’t. She said, “I just knew this was going to happen!”

I didn’t.

Never in a million years did we ever think this would happen.


And now it has and our reality has shifted. In one moment everything shifted.

Curtis said it’s like going full speed on the road and then in a second deciding to stop and back up at full speed and go in reverse the other direction. And it does.

Because although we went on Clomid (this was the first month of it) we really didn’t think it would work and we were going full force into this adoption process.

But it worked.

And now we change directions.

At full force going the other way.

On a road of exhaustion and morning (scratch that -- all day) sickness and a timeline to a baby that just got shorter by about half.

And we thank the Lord that his timing is perfect and we have infinite reasons to trust Him.

And we know that adoption is not out of the picture and we thank God that He gave us the heart to adopt before we received this gift.

It scares me to think what this would all look like outside of his perfect timeline.

We would never have had this passion for orphans or Ethiopia or adoption.

It humbles us and makes us quake in fear and awe that we ever didn’t trust Him.

We know there are no guarantees and no promises, but in this moment we trust and like the adoption process, we simply take the next step – even if it is only heading to the bathroom to be sick.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Yesterday was not a good day.

Saturday I had such high hopes.
I wasn’t nauseas. I wasn't exhausted. I felt good. For the first time in months.
I even made a comment to Curtis:

I hope I’m not jinxing myself, but I think I may have turned a corner.

Not so much.

Sunday I went to bed with a headache.
It got progressively worse throughout the night.
I didn’t sleep a wink.
Tylenol does nothing for me
So I writhed in pain all night
Waking up Curtis every so often with my moans

By 5:30am on Monday morning I was in agony.
I was nauseas, i had a very upset stomach, i was miserable.
I could either go to the ER or take my migraine medicine.

My migraine medicine (Relpax) is a level C on the list of medicines safe for pregnancy (A being the safest)
My doctor said to try to avoid it if at all possible, and so far this pregnancy it has been.

I was scared to take it.
But I was desperate.

So I took the pill.
And prayed.

20 minutes later I began vomiting uncontrollably.
Curtis asked me if I wanted him to take the day off to stay with me.
I said no. I had to ride this one out alone.

And that’s just what I did.
With a trash can wrapped in a garbage bag (my husband’s ingenious idea to keep nasty germs out of our bed when i have to get intimate with a trash can)
I laid in bed with by trusty trash can and dry heaved until my migraine went away.
Then the migraine broke,
I threw up one more time and then it stopped.

I felt defeated.
A sweaty, shivering mess.

But once more, I had survived.

These have been some of the hardest months of my life.

But even as I laid there, I thought to myself.

This is worth it.

That has become my mantra.

It’s all worth it.

For the rest of the day I felt empty
A feeling similar to hunger, but also akin to utter exhaustion.

I was tired.
Tired of feeling sick and helpless and a human form similar to a gelatinous mess.

On Saturday I thought I was turning a corner, obviously I was wrong.

But I’m okay.
More than okay really.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Even if that little light is not until March.

Monday, August 23, 2010

the baby story, part 3: the shock


Now, I can’t lie and tell you we weren’t shocked.

If I said we had no other emotions than pure delight I’d be lying.
The idea of putting this adoption on hold literally made our hearts hurt for the first couple days. still does really.

But eventually the initial shock wore off and we were able to see everything with a clearer perspective.
From the beginning we always said that either way would be a win-win situation.

Either we’d adopt, and adopt again, and adopt again and that would be amazing.
Or we’d adopt, then maybe get pregnant one day and that would be equally amazing
Or we’d start the adoption process, get pregnant, put it on hold to have a baby and then start up again when they allowed and that would be amazing too.

All three of these possibilities had crossed our minds multiple times.

We had thought of all the scenarios. We had started round one of Clomid, with (to be honest) less than high hopes.

We thought we knew what God was doing. He was giving us a baby boy. From Ethiopia and then who knows what would come next.

Well, who knows is right.

Clomid must’ve did the trick because mere weeks after we were off and running with the adoption, a tiny little egg was in the process of being fertilized by a tiny little sperm and a baby was being created without us even knowing.

And then – BAM – our image of the next few years of our life changed in an instant with those two shockingly blue lines.

But we have full confidence that God’s ways are far superior to ours and so we trust in his timing.
But sometimes it’s hard is all.
It was hard to trust when we weren’t getting pregnant

And then, why was it also hard to trust when we are?

It seems to make no sense, but it seems to be the plight of all mankind, isn't it?

Lack of trust and faith and full of doubt and pessimism and worry.

Nothing is certain, and nothing is ever as clear as we want it to be, but all is definitely as it should be, this I know to be true.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

the baby story, part 2: on pregnancy and adoption

feather 3

So, now you know why I have been pretty quiet on this blog of mine for a while now…

Maybe you haven’t even noticed, but those of you that have followed regularly might’ve noticed a steady decline after some pretty regular adoption posting for a while.

That’s because I don’t know how to lie. I can’t. I’m horrible at it. It’s to the point that I can’t even tell half-truths when I need to.

For example, when asked, “How’s the adoption going?”
It’s like torture for me to simply say, “It’s going…it’s a lot of paperwork…” (no lie, but no real information either), I clam up and am tempted to blurt out, “We had to put it on hold for a while, because…WE’RE PREGNANT!”

So I’ve kept my mouth shut, because we didn’t want many people to know at first, and I can’t “lie” and blog like other stuff is going on in my life besides this – because there isn’t anything else right now. this is it. we're having a baby.

Right now it’s all about saltines and pretzels, dum dum suckers and peppermints and ginger ale and the toilet bowl and early bedtimes and exhaustion.

my bedtime has become anywhere from 7:30 to 9 - sad i know, but i honestly can't help it.

So yeah, the secret is slowly getting out. well, actually it pretty much is out -- except on facebook and to the general population at work. so don't post your congrats on facebook just yet -- i'm not ready for the mass announcement...maybe after we hear the heartbeat on Sep 1st...

I’m almost finished with my first trimester and still feeling crummy (to say the least) but can’t complain.

(I told myself I would never complain) This is the answer to a longtime prayer.

A prayer that we thought was being answered through the precious gift of adoption – little did we know! Ha!

And it is, because our desire to adopt isn't going anywhere...it has been burried so deep into our hearts, there’s no way we could dream of letting it go now.

For us, adoption wasn’t simply a means of becoming parents, but a calling. a gift really.
 To be honest, we feel the call now more strongly than ever.

We’ve been saying from the beginning of this adoption journey that we felt like we were pregnant.

Not the nausea or the exhaustion (well, maybe the exhaustion, but nowhere near how tired I am now) but the expectant feeling that we felt when thinking about bringing our baby home.

So now, we just feel like we’re expecting two!

One from my belly and one from a far away land called Ethiopia.

And it’s an amazing feeling to have waited and hoped for so long and now the humility and gratitude that comes with being given two gifts – in the same summer. It’s almost too much to comprehend, really – but more on that later…

so this is what i've been hinting at...


There has been a change of plans.

As of Sunday, July 4th we had to put our Ethiopian adoption on hold.
I know, bummer, right?

Just over one month into the process, we were being told to wait.

But for good reason.
Get this...

We’re pregnant!

And while our hearts at first were deeply saddened by the fact that our adoption process had to be put on hold until this little baby is at least six months old, our hearts are inexplicably grateful for this (sooooo unexpected) gift.

There is more to write and much more to tell, but not right now...

I’m pooped and to be honest, I feel a little (or a lot!) like barfing.

Friday, August 13, 2010

yada yada yada, yeah right...


just one more thing has to fall into place and then i'm back!
i know, you don't believe me,
but it's true...
i promise.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

i'm coming back...i promise


i honestly can't believe it's almost the 
end of the summer
what a blur
my goal is to be back to my old blogging ways 
in the next week or two
i've missed you all
and missed writing regularly
but there's been a lot going on
this has been one eventful summer
that's for sure
but more about that later
until then
keep checking back
don't abandon me yet.

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