Monday, May 31, 2010

19 months and counting...or is that 19 months and clomid?


Last Thursday we went to the gynecologist to discuss "next steps."

It’s been almost 19 months (but who’s counting) and still no bun in the oven.

{Last November}, after I found out I only had one fallopian tube and a unicornuate uterus my gynecologist told us to take it easy and enjoy some “trying” for a few months – he meant three months.

Well, it is the last day of May today (over 6 months later) and I finally got up the nerve to make an appointment.
It felt like we were giving up – admitting we needed help - which we weren’t and we do.

But in the meantime a lot has happened...

We are open to whatever ways the Lord chooses to grow our family. I can't go into the details now (and to be honest, we don’t have too many details to share at this point), but all that to say, we haven’t given up hope in conceiving, and haven't given up our desire to adopt, so I made the appointment and off we went in an effort to not prematurely shut any doors that  were meant to stay open.

We had to wait in the waiting room a little longer than expected. As Curtis played on his iphone, I sat there, watching young girls, old women, mothers and daughters and one other husband and wife duo (obviously pregnant) go in and out. I made up stories in my head about each woman, guessed how long it took the one couple to conceive, and wondered if that would ever be us, sitting in that office, big-bellied and nervous.

I imagine that those looking at us sitting in that waiting room together were thinking that my husband was with me for our first ultrasound or to find out the sex of our baby. But with coffee in hand, I knew I was throwing them off. I felt like we were a teenage couple, out of place together there. Nervous to hear what the doctor would advise. Would he tell us to just give up (of course he didn't) or recommend the most expensive in fertility treatments (we had already decided that those weren't for us). So we waited (he patiently and me anxiously) until we were called back. 

We were then greeted by my doctor and led into his idiosyncratic office full of OB nick-knacks, diplomas and years’ worth of gynecological memorabilia. I have always liked his optimistic outlook on our situation. He is an older doctor  (probably in his late 60's) that has no doubt seen tons of seemingly “infertile” women eventually conceive. To him, we’re just one of the many, that struggle, then eventually (hopefully) suceed.

As we discussed our next steps all of a sudden he slapped his palm on his cluttered desk and said matter of factly (and quite excitedly):
I have a plan!

Okay, we said in unison, let’s hear it.

So, here is the plan:

He first recommended something called Provera (progesterone) to help me have more regular periods (right now I average a 35-38 day cycles which can make ovulation and timing all rather difficult for a multitude of reasons. Provera will eventually help me reach the coveted 28-day cycle.) 

When he told me this I was thrilled to finally have only 28 day cycles - more cycles to "try." I said something  to this effect and he replied: You know the goal isn’t 28 day cycles, it’s no periods at all.

Thank you doctor, yes I know.

So, I will have shorter cycles which will be good for a multiple of reasons. Both phyically and mentally. I am excited.
So at this point I have taken this and have gotten my period, which i was due for any day anyway. 

Then, once I get my period, (which i did) three days later I will start Clomid (which was today) which will (in short) trick my body into thinking my estrogen levels are low, so my body will cause the pituitary gland to produce more hormones to raise the estrogen levels. This will cause certain hormones to increase which stimulates egg production. He isn’t sure if egg production is the problem, but he has reasons to suspect that this may be the case. Many women don't produce an egg every month, and if this is the case with me, instead of searching for the needle in the haystack (as he put it) only a few months out of the year, may as well make sure that's not the issue right off the bat.

Clomid has been proven successful in many women and it is often one of the first fertility treatments to try because it is so inexpensive when compared to other fertility treatments. With our insurance these two prescriptions were each only $5. Really can’t beat that. Especially compared to other options, more costly options, which we both agree is not the best use of our funds to start our family. We are willing to give fertility treatments a try, a good try, maybe even try other things too, but when it comes down to spending thousands of dollars on "trying," we both strongly feel like that money could be much better off spent (for us) on adoption. 

So, as I sit here to write, I am cautiously optimistic. I have just swallowed my first Clomid pill with a generous gulp of iced coffee. We haven't given up hope, yet we know that this also may not work, and that's okay.

Last night we welcomed home our good friends' newest adopted baby daughter from China. Anah is their third adopted daughter - and their 7th child in all. Anah is almost one and a half years old and has a cleft lip and palette. She is beautiful.  I loved her as much as a friend can love another friend's child from the minute i walked into the room. Their story is an amazing one and simply cemented the fact that adoption will be in our future whatever happens. 

Our desire is to start a family in any way we can, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to conceive. I do. However, I also know that our family will grow whether we conceive or not, so the pressure is off at this point in regards to putting our hope in fertility treatments. We’re not putting our faith in Clomid to make us parents, we know that God’s got plans for our family and that excites me more than the idea of giving birth. 

So, we are treading on this "fertility" path lightly, knowing this may not be the ultimate path to parenthood and we're all right with that, we really are. But we also aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

We are pursuing all of our options at this point, all whole-heartedly and excitedly.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

on your wedding day

We thought we were so clever, so cool.
The Cool Cats Club we’d call ourselves.
There were three.
Me, my sister Jen and our longtime friend Emily.
We were each a year apart.
I was the oldest.
Emily sandwiched in the middle with her floral-printed dresses and tennis shoes
We used to admire her long hair, her ballet costumes, her point shoes.
We’d take turns “doing” her hair,
Playing dress up in her fancy tutus and leotards.
We were not dancers,
We wore dresses only on occasion.
But we were friends.
The best of friends
We did everything together.
And that included sleepovers each weekend.

Emily’s older brother Nate, one year my senior would often tease us
As we’d sit by the fire, heads together, each nose buried in a separate book.
Or the way we’d collect candy and instead of eating it, we’d save it in a jar for the rainy day that never came.
We’d make string friendship bracelets and sell them to innocent victims
And constantly irritate the older boys that were also always at their house.

It seems like time has flown since those days.
There is a picture of the three of us one summer,
Sitting on the front steps at Emily’s house after undertaking weeklong (or so it seemed)
Sewing project with her mom.
After we were done, we were all left with a dress, each in the fabric of our choosing
Unlike anything we’d ever wear in normal circumstances.
Me with my toothy braces grin,
Headbands and these dresses not fit for a mumu-wearing grandmother.
I wonder where those dresses are?
That photo is engrained into my memory of simple times

Where reading books and microwaving laffy taffy until it was warm and stretchy
Was all that was on the calendar.
Where summers left us free to do or not do as we please.
To read a babysitters club book  a day without the guilt that we should be doing something else.

These memories are branded on my memory,
And although the years have widened the gap of our bosom buddy bond,
I still feel a sisterly love for this girl I grew up with.
The girl who caught the bouquet at my wedding...

So today, on her wedding day, I remember the girl she was in light of the woman she has become.
She was beautiful, with her amber hair and freckles then – and even more so now.

Congratulations Em.

*Emily's wedding pictures by Nina at {RUTABAGA PHOTOGRAPHY}

Monday, May 24, 2010

This is what a content birthday girl looks like

sunburn is a sign of a good day


this morning i woke up and was greeted with a happy birthday kiss. i am now 28.
we both took the day off of work and it was wonderful. 80 degrees and sunny with nothing to do.


the possibilities were endless. we debated going to the lake. laying on the beach, going out to lunch, but instead we opted for this:


we did some gardening, some car fixing, some reading and a whole lot of nothing.
we filled up the baby pool, grabbed a book and some spf 15 chapstick and enjoyed a day off, together.
then instead of going out (which would have meant showering and getting dressed) we opted for tri tip sandwich leftovers and pickles and got back to backyard in a hurry.

then, when i thought the day couldn't get any better, this shows up in my mailbox:


{kate} knows me - and i love her for it - six hand embroidered (i'm assuming) white napkins and a package of my favorite candy. they are lovely and so are friends that know you and love you anyways.

top all this off with about 100 birthday wishes from friends on facebook and i am one happy camper.
except for the fact that Curtis started a new summer class tonight which meant that i am a solo birthday celebrator this evening - which i really don't mind, but everything is better when he's here - even blogging and laying on the couch trying to cool some pretty pink sunburn!


but hey - sunburn really is a sign of a very good day - and it's been a very good day.
unfortunately tomorrow i get thrown back to the wolves with a whirlwind trip to Columbus for a one-hour meeting. who doesn't like to drive 2.5 hours to have a one hour meeting, just to turn around and drive 2.5 hours home. i don't, that's who.

but i'm not even going to let the thought of that ruin my night.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

my current favorite breakfast


one egg
and poured
into a pan
left to cook
a handful of 
baby spinach
left to wilt
on top
set upon
a multi grain 


but wait
what makes it even 
is a 
of salsa

*the fork was unnecessary
except for the
scooping of the

Friday, May 21, 2010

the view from my lap

This week has been a whirlwind of work and migraines and doctor's appointments and preparing to enter my 28th year.

Today i woke up with my second migraine of the week - complete with barfing, chills and other things that you don't even want to know about. Every time i opened my eyes or moved my head a dizziness came over me that overwhelmed my body and made me nauseaus. Not fun.

But now, as i sit, working like a madwomen to wrap up all the loose ends from the week so i can take a long birthday weekend with nothing hanging over my head, this is what i'm looking down at. My Mea. She is one good cuddler. And after the morning i've had, i could use a good cuddle.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

on creativity: my crafting and culinary endeavors

For the last week or so i have been so inspired by all the posts that have showed up in my google reader...
from recipes to fashion choices to photographs, there is no lack of creativity in all its forms on the blogs i follow and it's rubbing off on me which is always a good thing.

On Saturday during a lovely lull in our day, i read {this post} and knew i had to try my hand on a necklace for myself. so i made a trip to the craft store, bought a small bag of wooden beads for $4, cut a sliver of a coordinating fabric from my stash and got to beading.

It was a soothing activity and before i knew it, i had strung all the beads - four necklaces worth, although only one one a fabric string (it's trickier than it looks)

So, what do you think? i think they're kind of cute layered together...(sorry about the nasty tank top i'm wearing, i ran up just now and slipped off my sweatshirt to get a quick shot to show you...)



then last night, i read a blog post (can't find it now- sorry) on a recipe for a cold udon noodle salad.
i used the recipe as inspiration for my own version and after a quick grocery store run for the few ingredients that i didn't have, i whipped it up in no time...


my "recipe" calls for thick udon noodles - boiled and run under cold water to cool
a sauce of some bottled thai peanut sauce (from target) a bit of soy sauce and a dash of sesame oil
cooked chicken, sliced very thin
sprouts, shredded carrot, shredded cabbage and cucumber, cut into little 1-inch sticks

cook pasta, let cool 
cook and cool chicken
mix sauce
mix sauce with noodles and chicken
add veggies, save some for garnish
toss and refrigerate until cold

a cool, light and refreshing twist on a summer salad.
although Curtis did microwave his second portion and said it was different, but just as good.

Here are more pictures of the process for your visual enjoyment!







Thursday, May 13, 2010

on panic attacks


At about 2 o’clock this afternoon I was sitting at my desk working when all of a sudden
my chest felt tight and heavy and my breath came in labored but silent gasps, like i was breathing through a straw.
It was very strange - the closest thing to what I imagine a panic attack to feel like,
except that I wasn’t panicking about anything. it was out of the blue.
I was typing. about hotel renovations.
But in that moment, when my I could hear and feel each breath exhaled and inhaled I thought to myself:

I am having a panic attack? Can you even have a panic attack over nothing? I’m having a heart attack. I’m too young to have a freaking heart attack.

It only lasted about a minute before I got up from my chair and slowly walked to the bathroom. silently panicking. 
I debated grabbing my purse and jumping in my car, but I thought that if I really was having a heart attack or a stroke or something, it would be really, really stupid to get behind the wheel.

So I went to the bathroom - I didn’t know what else to do.
I peed and then sat there on the toilet, my jeans around my knees until my breaths came in steady waves and my heart settled down again. It felt like an hour, but i reality, it was probably less than 5 minutes.
And then I got up, shook off a slightly dizzy feeling and felt fine as I washed my hands and walked back to my desk.
No one noticed. I was relieved no one noticed. 

Then I googled panic attacks and read {this}
and thought to myself, oh sh*!…(shoot that is), I think i just freaking had a panic attack?!
That or too much caffeine.

And all of a sudden I had a wave of sympathy for people who have that feeling all the time.
For those that deal with anxiety disorders and chronic panic attacks. Because even those few minutes were horrible.
It was a feeling that made me think, 
I’m either dying or loosing my mind.
It was not fun...

Who knew you could panic without actually panicking over anything in particular. 
Our minds and bodies sure are peculiar things...

Anyone else ever experience anything similar? Was it a panic attack or something else?

i *heart* iced coffee

I like the way I can stretch a morning coffee from Phoenix into an after lunch iced coffee if I add a scoop of ice around 11 am

I like the way it gets progressively weaker and weaker as the day rolls on

because by 5 pm, I don’t want to be chugging pure caffeine anyways, although I probably need it and may be happier with it

I don’t want it – I like my sleep when the sun goes down too much to start letting caffeine creep into my evenings – although it is tempting.

I needed that steady drip of caffeine today, which started with a 6 o’clock alarm for a 7 o’clock coffee date (hence the Phoenix coffee).


I need it because last night I went to sleep later than I should have, after sipping martinis with friends until the sun went down. I am not accustomed to mid-week drinking – is that a sign that I’m nearing 28?

Another gulp.

And now, as the residuals from my morning coffee have melted into something akin to caffeine-infused ice water I take sec to share some photos of my morning.

*taken on my iphone while waiting for my lovely coffee date to show up.

Maybe I’ll make a cup of coffee (decaf…or not) to keep me awake as I cheer on the Cavs…I think they can use all the enthusiasm they can get right now…

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

have i told you of my love for knitting and yarn shops?




















...if not, now you know.

*photos taken here:



Mary's Yarns is a sweet little yarn shop we visited while in Toronto.

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