Friday, March 5, 2010

the makeup of our mornings

I drove to work this morning heavy-eyed
willing myself to stay awake as cars lulled on pavement in the aftermath of the week.

I should start drinking coffee before my morning commute, I think to myself.

This feeling of weight, heaviness, mere exhaustion
caffeine helps a bit, a night’s worth of deep sleep only masks the bare-boned tiredness I feel.

What am I going to do when we have a child? I scare myself with these thoughts of plain overwhelming.

The office was warm this morning. In my jean skirt and bare legs under boots.
It’s supposed to hit 40 degrees this weekend.

I sulk to the kitchen with my other under-rested companions
we fill mugs, add milk or cream or sugar,
let tea bags  steep in hot water and honey and lemon
and then meander back to desks in silence

we sip and stir and watch steam rise as we take the first to the last swigs of coffee
before long meeting up for second cups and ice water and eventually lunch.

These are our mornings. Our shared monotony.

Shared exhaustion until caffeine flows through veins and we begin to chat
and work and write and waste time between computer clicks and meetings and meals.

We are all overwhelmed, but I think I am more unsettled than the rest.

Looking forward to the next thing, whenever it will come.
Not another job, but a life change. Probably, hopefully, motherhood.

I want to drink coffee at my kitchen table, in front of the window, in slippers.

I want many other things, far different than the look of my mornings now.

But for now, they are what they are, and at least there is coffee.


CitricSugar said...

Your sense of word and rhythm is just lovely.

And patience is an easier virtue to possess when one is constantly distracted. It challenges me daily. Good luck with finding the zen!

david said...

i love this .. sorry im just your Dad and that may not mean as much as in elequint comment from CitricSugar prabablly because i love most of your writing but this is sweet....and amen Sugar. Do you blog?

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