Wednesday, March 31, 2010

an explanation and perhaps another apology


Again I will partially apologize for yesterday’s post.
I take it that some of you think I am unhappy from the text I got from my father this morning, reading:

Take Friday off. That’s the best weather day. Plenty of great days coming. Be happy.

I am not unhappy, I’m just trying to be honest.
Not call it a great day when it hasn’t been.
But I am trying to make the best of where I’m at.
Most of the time I do a decent job of it.

I think the issue that I was trying to explain yesterday was more about contentment than time.

See, I’ve got time.

More time than my husband at least.
He works as much as I do and goes to school.
When my workday finishes at 5, twice a week he’s just jumping into his other role as a student.
I have no right to complain.
My man is one hard worker, and I love him for it.

It’s in the comparisons that I gain some perspective.

I wasn’t trying to say that I have no time for myself and that I think all of that will change sometime soon.
I know it won’t.
In those terms I think I am at the peak season in terms of time for myself.
I am not one under the delusion that being a mother is a breeze.
I have been a live-in nanny and that was hard enough.
trust me, I know it will never get “easier” (better maybe, but not easier)

I get home close to 6 every day and I decide what to do –
What to cook, or not cook.
What to clean, or not clean.
What to do, or not do.

I can skip a meal and read if I wanted to.
Or I can choose to go to sleep before it gets dark if I had a migraine or for any other reason i can think of

My nights are mine for the most part and for that I can’t complain.

I’m not looking for a more selfish way to spend my time,
I’ve got that covered, most of the time…

It’s the sitting at a desk 10 hours a day that sometimes gets to me.

I don’t think another job, either working from home or motherhood would be easier.
I know neither would be,
however, I do think that part of me is just not cut out for this type of environment.

But that’s not to say that I can’t thrive where I'm at,
make the best of it and find contentment within the tiny little office I find myself sitting at day after day.
Because I can, and a lot of the time I do.

I just know that long-term, this is not where my heart lies.

So, don’t misunderstand my words as trying to make my life easier,
less busy, or bloated with more "me time"
because that’s not what I was trying to say at all.

my last post was more of a reminder to myself that peace isn’t found in the
sheer balance of circumstances or priorities

so when I feel tired and overwhelmed
I am not pushed to think that something else that would make me happier
or more complete.

Because it won’t
I know it won’t
I’ve tried.


Rona said...

To be honest, your resume should read like mine does.........Housewife and mother. I think that is where you will find yourself. Hopefully someday.

Amie said...

Jess, please don't ever feel bad about being honest. Especially here. This is the place to open your heart, and share your thoughts. I think I understand how you are feeling these days. I was in a place like that not so long ago.

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin." -Ivan Turgenev

Hang in there honey, you are on the cusp of change. i can feel it. And my backyard is always open to you. I have a nice quiet patio away from work with your name on it :)

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