Tuesday, March 30, 2010

the dilemma


I cannot imagine being a corporate working mother.
I can barely manage myself sans kids with an office job that keeps me tied up for 10 hours a day.
Sometimes life can be hectic and I try my best to figure out how to fit everything else in.
The rest of my life outside of work must fit into my close-quartered evenings
and it’s hard
and it makes me sad

It’s hard to fit in everything I need to do with all the extras that I want to do.
I want to work out, but I need to make dinner.
I want to blog, but I need to pay bills and open mail and create budgets.
I want to veg out, but I need to do dishes and laundry.
I want to finish {this amazing book} I’m reading, but I have to shower and get ready for tomorrow…

Nights are too short.
And sometimes, on nights like tonight I seriously feel like crying.

And now, with Spring coming…
somehow it’s gotten even harder.

Knowing that the next few days are supposed to be the sunniest and warmest that we’ve had so far, kills me.
I most likely will not get to enjoy it until the weekend and I hate that.

But I am an adult, and part of being an adult means that I do things although I may not want to.
It means I should do what I do without complaining, but it’s just so hard.

This blog has been rather whiny lately.
I am sorry for that.
I never intended for this space to become my soapbox to moan about life.
Because in reality, my life is not all bad.

I have friends at work,
and we work hard, and long, but we do have fun on occasion while doing it.
And besides the part where I don’t take a break for lunch and sit in a god-aweful office with no windows, it’s really not that bad.

Maybe I just have spring fever.
Maybe I need to sit in my car and eat my lunch just to get away from my desk.
Maybe I need to take a walk around the parking lot even when I’m wearing high heels.

I think I just need a change.
Just a little one.

See, I think I keep waiting for this life changing event that will turn my world upside down
when all I really need is a little change to flip-flop my attitude.

I thought working out would do it for me,
And although I feel really good because of it, it is not the thing that’s going to, in the end, change me.

I will not become an optimist by doing P90X.
I will not suddenly love my long twice-daily commute because I’m doing yoga.
And I will not suddenly find contentment by trying to find that perfect balance of work and home life.

I think somehow it goes far deeper.
And as I’m trying to wade the muddy waters of my life as I know it now,
Actually, I don’t think balance is much of the point at all.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Pretty much sums up my dilemma, and the solution I think…


CitricSugar said...

I used to be a person who shirked her breaks. I just wanted to get this done, or that done, and a break seemed to get in the way of that. And then I started skipping breaks at home and everywhere else and I was going continually from one thing to another without stopping. The quality of what I did was less. And it made me... less.

Having lunch in your car or anywhere away from your desk sounds like a fabulous idea. Even if it's just twenty minutes. Even if you read a book while doing it. Keep a spare pair of flats in the backseat for a brisk stroll around the parking lot before you head back in. It won't happen overnight but it will give you back a little more. (Bonus points if you add language study cds to the drive to and from work - it's hard not to have a good day after saying "donde esta" and "ocho" over and over again...lol)

Quiet Oasis said...

I'll chime in from a Stay-at-home-mom point of view. I used to work (most likely the hours you do) while I was single and thought I had no time. But it only gets worse. Because everyone else's schedule (as a mom) comes before yours. So you have even less time to yourself. And it took me a good 1 1/2 years to adjust to not talking to adults during my day and only listening to whining/crying!!!

that said, I've adjusted now, and I love my life. But I do have to agree that it all has to do with attitude. B/c I know a lot of miserable working people and a lot of miserable SAHMs. I've learned its all about perspective and loving where you are at in life. (I had to learn the hard way when I broke my foot and became pregnant w/ 2 kids last year.... God wanted me to not just pass the "season" away... wanted me to enjoy that awful season too.... took me awhile to learn that one!)

So I agree, you should just make little changes like going outside for a break, etc. And enjoying the little things, like the ride in the car. :) (I think the sun that is coming in the evenings will help!!!!)

Aunt Rona said...

I once started a gratitude journal. I did it for about a year. 5 things to be grateful for today. Some days it was so hard, even to find one, but I struggled to keep it going. One day, I started to feel that gratitude and without even realizing it, found all of the moments in a day to be grateful for. I learned that your gratitude is a measure of your happiness. Try it Jess, you will be amazed at the results. Don't say you know, till you've really done it.

david said...


I love your insight, i feel the same about work the only difference is i have lost a lot of friends due to cutbacks and layoffs. I know that is about fixing the bottomline but what about the human toll. I miss their conversations, their jokes, their laughs. I often sit at my desk too waiting for the life altering change. Great post:) love the verse

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