Monday, August 17, 2009

coming out of the {blogging} closet

I'm torn.

To come out of the {blogging} closet or not. That is the question.

On the one hand I have a deep desire to have my blog read by tons of people per day. To write each post knowing that comments will fill my inbox. To know that what I write is being read. To know I am being understood and that my words seep into the same places of others that seep into me.

On the other hand, this would first mean I would have to come out of my {blogging} closet so to speak – I would have to do some personal advertising – not in a weird marketing sort of way, but in a “hey {twitter/ facebook, ect…} ! check out my blog” sort of way.

This might seem like an easy decision for some, but for me – who hasn’t even told some of my closest friends and coworkers that I write a blog – this is a daunting idea for me to even think about.

There is something safe about writing for myself and an anonymous {or mostly anonymous} audience. It feels safe. But lately I have been wondering – maybe it’s too safe – maybe my coworkers and my friends should know this part of me. But then I clam up and my thoughts change to fears and then I react by just not writing for days and days.

I want this blog to be a collection of thoughts and essays, poetry and stories that I want to remember. I want to be able to look back and remember where I’ve been, who I was and how I’ve grown. This means i must do a few things...

First, it means I must change the way I write. Sometimes I struggle with how to use this blog. I follow a lot of style, design and photography blogs. This is a good thing and a bad thing. One the one hand, I sometimes feel the urge to use this space as a space for inspiration, products, photography I like and so on. Those are the blogs I am drawn to, and often that is what I am inspired by. On the other hand, I follow many great writers, I feel like I know them through their beautiful images and choice words. They are personal and they are unpretentious; and more often than not, I am pulled to this style of blogging.

I’ve been thinking about the possibilities for this space for a while now…and the more I think about it, the more I feel that I must use this space {my corner of the world wide internets} as a place to reflect, to muse, to write and to share - about myself, my life...i have to make it personal, i have to stretch myself. i have to "come out."

I can’t promise that I will never throw a product out there, and I can’t promise that this blogging idea won’t change and evolve, but as of today I’m pretty sure this is what is right for me.

I want to look back and see myself. I don’t want to look into the past and see only products and fashions that I once liked – I want this to be something more. I want you to get to know me – and so if that means sharing book reviews and recipes and stories, than so be it, I just want it to be personal to me.

Which brings me back to my initial question. Should I and how do I come out of my private {blogging} closet? I think the answer to the former is yes, the answer to the latter is still undecided.

To put it mildly, I’m terrified. Frightened to be seen in my secret places, and to be misunderstood, and judged – whether rightly or wrongly. But such is life and I think I’m ready to take the leap – or the step, or the nosedive face first into frigid water.

I have stuck my toe in to this life of blogging and the water is cool but getting warmer up my foot…but that is as far as I’ve gotten. For nearly two years now I’ve only gotten foot-deep and I think I’ ready to take the plunge. Not to my waste by forehead first.

I’m not sure what that means to this blog, but I’m willing to find out. I’m willing to be opened wide. To share my heart with you, strangers and friends…And I’m willing to take the risk of you sticking around or leaving me dripping wet without a towel.


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