Monday, October 22, 2007

contradictions...

lately, it seems that all my thoughts seem to be contradictions.

it's hard to explain how i feel sometimes...

i loathe my migraines...
like paul i feel like they are my thorn in my flesh and yet my blessing...
those words fall from my mouth like stones...hard to admit and yet so much the truth.

when i miss work because of them i feel weak, self-conscious, embarrassed at my inability to control my own body, my surroundings...
but lately, as i lay in bed, alone, oftentimes wallowing in my own self pity,
i am graciously reminded that i am not in control, nor should i try to be.
i am not a prisoner in my own body, but a willing servant of what i'm given to endure.
and then a job takes on a different dimension,
it is just a job, a small part of the larger scale of my life.
these are the days that shape me...
change my outlook on life, on what really matters,
make me thankful for my health.
but then i go back to work and oh how quickly does that mindset take over.
that work is my life and i dread how fast i forget what i'm learning and fall into the same ruts
of competition, proving myself, self-reliance.

it makes me want to stop working, have a baby and stay home and devote myself to something that really matters in the long run,
but yet again, another contradiction...
I dont want to be a mother yet, i'm not ready,
yet i feel like that will be the one job that i will ever have that will matter.
i am a wife, right now i feel like that is both my greatest job and yet my biggest struggle.
it's hard not to let that role slim to nothing in the business of press releases, meetings, logging time...
but when i am home, making chili or applesauce,
folding laundry or whatever, it gives me so much pleasure...
a deep sense of fullfillment that at that moment i am living who i am...

as i write, i confuse myself...
i love the place that Gold has brought us to right now...
i always wondered what my career would be, how it would include my love of words, of writing...
and it seems that i have found it,
yet most moments, that in itself feels so unfullfilling.
i dont know...

contradictions.

 
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