Monday, December 31, 2007

in review

unfortunately more for me than for you this is less of my year in review than
a review of both a book and movie that i would highly recommend.
i'll start with the movie we just watched...
Once is my hands-down favorite movie of 2007.
a simple story really, perfectly simple.
a Dublin musician meets a Czech immigrant. the end.
86 minutes of cinematic creativity, haunting music and two magnetic characters.
we've since, bought the soundtrack and cannot get the lyrics out of our heads as well as our car stereos, ipods and laptops.
how few films sit with me longer than a moment, now and days, and for that i must recommend Once.

the book i've just finished is my other end of year favorite.
it took me a while, with a slow start, but the night i found myself closing the last page,
a nostalgic and sad cloud formed over my pillow as i drifted off to sleep.
the book:
Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
an epic about a relationship that spans one hundred years in south america,
a calming read for cold nights, and a beautifully written story of persistence and hope in the midst of a
grey historical setting during the days of cholera.
a wonderful read.

i think i enjoyed both for the sheer pleasure of their simplicity.
true life, made remarkably poignant and clear.
Here's to hoping that the new year is just as fresh and uncomplicated.

...take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time,
raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice,
you've made it now...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

craving creativity

lately, i've been craving creativity.
whatever it be - sewing, knitting, writing, photography...
yet instead of sitting down and actually doing something...
i'm soaking up what others are a sponge...
reading blogs, lingering over over thought out word, every post...
and continue to pout, and wish i had more time...
wishing i had full days off, alone in my house,
creating little treasures to keep and to share.

it's not that i haven't been busy,
but i haven't been too successful lately.
in the last two weeks i "knit" my first sweater.
thick green marino wool...
with oversized size 19 needles...
i had visions of curling up with a book on the couch
wrapped in my bulky handknit sweater...
it went quickly and was fairly simple,
the weave was loose, i thought it would be endearing to make it a little
well, oversized it was indeed.
when all was said and done and i was finishing up the seams with my mom at her house...
we realized how big it really was...
needless to say, it ended up being too big even for my dad and
my mom spent the rest of the night unraveling the whole piece, to salvage the 30 dollars worth of yarn.

i also began to use my sewing machine a few weeks ago,
but soon after, i knew something was not right.
the small bobbin seamed out of line, unbalanced.
i eventually brought it in to be looked at and they told me they had to send it in to be fixed.
there went all my visions of delightfully small hand sewn gifts for christmas.
napkins and aprons and book covers...
that was nearly two weeks ago and it is yet to be fixed.

so instead i'm ready all my favorite blogs about what others are making...
and i sit here jealous and creatively frustrated.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

my happy accident

i had a little accident on sunday night...
the browns game was on and i was happily knitting away while curtis and my cousin joe where enthralled in the game...
i ran upstairs to get something, clad in slippers i would soon learn were way to slick for our hard wood floors...
as i was hopping back down the stairs in a horse-like trot, my feel slipped out from under me and down i went,
my back hitting every hard. wood. step.
as i was lying at the bottom of the stairs moaning in pain...
all i could think of was how i would manage if i was paralized for the rest of my life...
luckily i could still feel my toes, which put my melodramatic fears on the back burner as i tried to catch my breath after the wind was knocked out of me.
we all agreed that a trip to the er wasn't necessary as i stubbornly refused to ice my slowly swelling back.
(we keep our house just too cold to think about putting ice on my already freezing body...)
needless to say i am not only bruised and sore, but i was not able to sleep on my back that night, so i had a fitful night's sleep...
i decided to take the day i couldn't bare think of sitting on my bruised tush all day...
now i'm sitting two days later and i'm just as sore, if not in more pain now than i was before.
but thankful for the little break in my monotonous week...where i got to write my christmas cards, watch oprah and knit the body of my first sweater...
now i'm off to take more, much-needed advil.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

every year autumn seems to come and go so fast. Just when i'm enjoying throwing on a scarf asnd sweater to keep me warm...the weather changes, the leaves all fall and it's winter coat time.

i'm stubborn though, and i continue to wear peeptoe shoes with bare feet and only a scarf looped around my neck for warmth. i dont like to admit to myself that my favorite time of year has come and gone so quickly.
but then the day comes, the saturday after thanksgiving, when we bundle up and drive an hour away to cut down our christmas tree. it's become a yearly tradition, since curtis and i began dating...and long before as well.

my family has always hauled the tree out of the basement and pieced it together year after year, bent the branches to just the right shape.
but not his family. it wasn't christmas without a live tree...and so, i adopted the tradition, at first half heartedly...but now i think of it as just as much our tradition as i was his family's growing up.

This year we were set on finding a tree from the $20 area...
those are the trees they're trying to clear out to plant new ones.
needless to say, i'm not the only one that's stubborn, so we walked for miles and miles, two hours worth of nitpicking and bickering about which tree was dead, dying, too thin, to tall...until we found the tree.
but it didn't have the blue ribbon on it, it had a polka dotted one that we soon learned meant it cost a whopping $49.95.
i felt like it was worth it, the perfect shape, perfect height, the perfect tree for our first christmas in our new house...
well, i was the only one that felt this way...
he won and we found a lovely, but i dare say, not by any means perfect, $20 discount tree.

so now it's christmas in our house,and we are attempting to keep the holiday sacred despite the greed, selfishness and business. we are having to remind ourselves time and again that it's not about us, but Him. he was born, he died and he rose.
for us, but it's all about him.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

a week in review

here is the past week in review...

~i learned how to sew with the help of my mom
~made eggplant parmesan
~am reading Love in the Time of Cholera
~went on a date with my hub to Cafe Tandor
~fabric shopping with my mom
~murder mystery business dinner for nestle
~did my big monthly grocery shop
~started putting together my christmas wishlist for curtis' parents
~asking for this and this and this so far...
~now i'm watching my new favorite show, "John & Kate Plus 8" on TLC when curtis is at class...

Thursday, November 8, 2007


i gave my blog a little revamp today.
i decided yesterday that i needed a change.
it was easier than i thought it would be.
kate emailed me this free template site.
since i've had this blog i have only written on it when i felt like i had something deep or inspirational to say or i had to vent about something,
it was never really fun for me, but it was something i felt like i should do as a writer.
now for some reason it's fun. all of a sudden it's a pleasure for me to sign in every night, an array of ideas are swirling around in my head of posts i can't wait to write...
now, it's not a chore, but a vital outlet for me to express myself,
an i'm excited about what i feel i'm finally ready to explore about myself.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Mea's First Haircut...

...boy oh boy was it a haircut...
i got home today and didn't even recognize her...
the groomer said that not having a haircut for the first seven months of her life
just turned all her hair into a giant dread she had to shave her shorter than she would've liked...
curtis thinks she's ugly but i think she's beautiful!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Some of my favorite things...

i love autumn and i'm finally getting to the point where i love my house as well...
here are some things that i love right now...

haven't used it yet, but i already feel my creative juices flowing-

my purple purse- up against my green kitchen wall

i had to throw a mea photo in she is tonight - lathargic and nervous about her early morning haircut tomorrow.

here is my dining room window with the new tree curtains i got from urban...also notice my chandelier...

a close-up on my new curtains...

my other urban outfitters curtains

the fake pumpkin i bought after the squirrels devoured my real ones

my front door...i spent hours stripping and sanding and priming and painting it...i love it and my wreath

i heard it was going to snow tonight...that makes me sad because it's just now starting to feel like autumn.

photos of my favorites

so i'm learning with this blogger thing, and from now on, these posts are going to be so much more interactive...
with the help of Kate...and Cale i learned how to create links...
and with the help of well, myself i finally got around to figuring out how to upload photos...

so here you introduction to my gorgeous family...Curtis and Mea...
sidenote, the next time i post, Mea will have gotten her first haircut...tomorrow at 8:20 am...she won't look so hippy chic crazy!


lately i've been enjoying the wonderful world of style blogs...
maybe because i've had no time to be creative myself...
these blogs connect me to the greater style community.

my three favorites right now are...

kirin notebook

i must say however, that i got home from work inspired to finally bust out the sewing machine i got for my birthday ... in may.
i took it out of the box, out of the styrofome, set it up, plugged in the foot pedal and then realized i have no string...
so now it sits next to me at the dining room table, shiny and new
waiting for me to make a trip to joann to buy string.or bobbins. or whatever they're called.

i guess for now i'll just have to browse my new favorite blogs, and wish i had more time to create...

Sunday, November 4, 2007

autumn sunday

today was the most beautiful autumn sunday...
i woke up at nine fifteen to curtis reminding me that it was really eight fifteen...thanks to "fall back"
-so nice to wake up rested, not feeling like i was running late.
we ended up making it to the early service at church...
it was nice getting out of church at 11, feeling like we had the whole day ahead of us. why don't we do that every sunday?
from church we drove to miles market which is just what it sounds like... a fresh produce market, where i bought
tart apples, an eggplant, and fixings for homemade chicken lettuce wraps, and twenty five dollars more worth of fresh
fruits and veggies.
i've been on a cooking/baking frenzy this weekend.
we didnt have much planned for the weekend, so i woke up saturday morning and decided to make an apple crisp with homemade oatmeal/granola topping and two loaves of pumpkin bread.
tonight we decided to forgoe dinner out and i made chicken enchiladas, dirty rice and sauteed corn with sweet red onions.
our impromptu mexican fiesta was just what we needed after an afternoon of "gardening" - back to earlier this afternoon...
so after miles market we came home and decided to take out the dead bushes, shrubs and small white stones that pepper our front garden...
it took four hours, five people and a borrowed roto-tiller to make the ground ripe for planting grass.
right now it's just a large dirt area, but i see the potential, and the dirt ground excites me.
it was nice to get dirty, feel the earth between my fingers, albeit, my gloved fingers, but nice nonetheless.
then we had a little puppy drama, she must've eaten something outside while we were working, because we look over and she's throwing up and having diahrea on the front grass...
so i then lovingly gave one nasty bath to a very stinky dog...and then blowdryed the little shivering ball of dripping pooch...
and then that brings me to dinner.
and now i'm sitting, watching the struggling browns with my amazing sweats-clad husband and my lathargic mea, waiting for my inlaws to come over and share the apple crisp and vanilla ice cream with us.
it's been a good weekend. good weather, good food and good company...what more could a girl ask for?

Monday, October 22, 2007


lately, it seems that all my thoughts seem to be contradictions.

it's hard to explain how i feel sometimes...

i loathe my migraines...
like paul i feel like they are my thorn in my flesh and yet my blessing...
those words fall from my mouth like stones...hard to admit and yet so much the truth.

when i miss work because of them i feel weak, self-conscious, embarrassed at my inability to control my own body, my surroundings...
but lately, as i lay in bed, alone, oftentimes wallowing in my own self pity,
i am graciously reminded that i am not in control, nor should i try to be.
i am not a prisoner in my own body, but a willing servant of what i'm given to endure.
and then a job takes on a different dimension,
it is just a job, a small part of the larger scale of my life.
these are the days that shape me...
change my outlook on life, on what really matters,
make me thankful for my health.
but then i go back to work and oh how quickly does that mindset take over.
that work is my life and i dread how fast i forget what i'm learning and fall into the same ruts
of competition, proving myself, self-reliance.

it makes me want to stop working, have a baby and stay home and devote myself to something that really matters in the long run,
but yet again, another contradiction...
I dont want to be a mother yet, i'm not ready,
yet i feel like that will be the one job that i will ever have that will matter.
i am a wife, right now i feel like that is both my greatest job and yet my biggest struggle.
it's hard not to let that role slim to nothing in the business of press releases, meetings, logging time...
but when i am home, making chili or applesauce,
folding laundry or whatever, it gives me so much pleasure...
a deep sense of fullfillment that at that moment i am living who i am...

as i write, i confuse myself...
i love the place that Gold has brought us to right now...
i always wondered what my career would be, how it would include my love of words, of writing...
and it seems that i have found it,
yet most moments, that in itself feels so unfullfilling.
i dont know...


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

a simpler time

As we're finally getting settled and unpacked
and life seems to be settling down a bit
i am so thankful that we no longer have a mad rush to get things done around here.
We keep having to remind ourselves that nothing left to do has to be an issue of life or death...
every little (or big) project we have to do now, we do not have to kill ourselves to get done...
we can make time to relax without feeling guilty,
to spend time together without having things hanging over our heads...
it just feels good to finally be home.

And as things start to settle down into a routine of sorts,
i think back to a simpler life i once had...
a life with no electricity, no running water, a quiet that hovers over you like a thick fog
with hours to read at night because there was no television, no phone.
there were long nights of letter writing and journal writing,
intimate prayers, and simple food.
It was a lonely way to live at times,
but at no other time in my life did i feel so conected to the earth, so thoroughly dependant on the Lord and
so utterly weak yet content.
Africa was a deep, growing time in my life, and i was reminded today by a close friend who also spent some months in Africa
how trying and faithbuilding, amazing and life changing our times were there.
Yet although I appreciated my time in Africa so much, i am so content and happy with my life right now.
I just wish we could learn to slow down a little bit more.

Monday, July 23, 2007

one more week of craziness

request #1
please pray for us.

request #2
please pray for us...

we're down the the last week before we move into our new house and
things are hectic around here.
last week and all weekend my super-human husband has been sanding, staining
and resanding every hardwood floor in our house.
today will be the final coat, and then 72 hours to let it dry...

i've been having a chain of mini panic attacks, thinking about moving our entire house in one day...
because the floors will need to be drying nearly all week,
there's no time for me to slowly move boxes and things over every night like i would prefer...
needless to say, i didn't get much sleep last night making an array of mental to do lists in my mind...

but it's back to work today, and at night,
i will finish packing up our first year of marriage in neat (and overly-organized)
cardboard boxes...and try to look forward to our second year of marriage-
and our first crazy year of home-ownership...

Friday, July 13, 2007

sleep easy

for the last month or so we've been working tirelessly on our house,
getting it ready to at the very least be liveable by the time we move in
at the end of July...
needless to say, initially we bit off more than we could chew and now
we are facing the facts that we will not have a kitchen when we move in, nor a new roof, furnace or water heater...
but that's okay and i'm not really worried because i'm learning that God has got everything
in his great big hands.
like the little kid song that we learned when we're in sunday school and promptly forgot
when we got older,
he really does hold the whole world in his hands...
ok, maybe not literally, but figuratively for sure.
I was reminded this yesterday when i was offered the job where i have been interning at since June.
I was just a huge weight off of my shoulders to know i don't have to go out searching and interviewing
again for another job...
and that the Lord cares enough about me to place me in a company with a group of people that i get along with
and click with so well already and its only been six weeks or so.
i am so blessed i can't really believe how tired and stressed and overwhelmed and busy and happy i am right now.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

full to the brim

sunday was the anniversary of our first year of marriage.
in the past year the lord has shown me so much about myself.
about change.
so much has changed this past year.
two new jobs.
a new puppy.
a new house
(we are finally closing on it and getting the keys tomorrow)
a new church.
a new life together.
and it hasn't all been easy.
too many nights we've been stubborn and selfish and
went to bed angry,
but overall, this past year wasn't a year of paper...
disposable, like one friend told us.
toss it aside and move forward, he said.
it was a year to cherish in our hearts and ponder for years to come.
a year of daily trails and also daily triumphs of love and affection.
pain and sacrafice. and also forgiveness and peaceful contentment.
it was the best year of my life so far.
i couldn't have asked for more.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

consulting 101

yesterday was my first day as an intern.
and so far i'm loving it.
i've gotten past the fact that i'm the oldest summer intern,
the only one that's out of college, that's married, that doesn't live with my parents...
the truth of the matter is, i'm in this for a job at the end of the summer and i'm going to
work my butt off to that end.
and when all the other interns just want their three credit hours, the stakes are so much higher for me

despite the fact that it is an internship, i'm feeling rather grown up today.
walking around with my laptop in it's brulant bag...
my outlook email calendar already filling up with meetings and appointments and
connections i'm already making in hopes for assistance when the end of the summer roles around.

the future seems bright for the summer and (hopefully) beyond.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

25 and on her way...

i feel like i am starting my twenty fifth year of my life just where i want to be.
yesterday was the day i have been long awaiting for months.
i put my notice in at work.
i was so excited the night before that i had to take a sleeping pill to go to sleep.

it actually turned out much better than i had anticipated.
most people i work with knew that my leaving was in the works.
i've been interviewing and talking about wanting to get out of there for months now.
however, my store manager had no clue.
(for some reason she doesn't like me and therefore makes it a point to avoid all communication with me)...
so the not knowing i was preparing to quit as soon as the right offer came along was her own fault.
it caught her off guard, but yesterday she at least pretended to be happy for me and my new career move.

It was just such a good feeling to leave that store yesterday knowing that that isn't going to be my life.
i was getting nervous for a while, wondering if i would ever leave. looking at some of the life long retail women that i
work with, praying that wouldn't be me.
and now i know it won' least not for the summer.

this is going to be a good year. i can just feel it.
whether we get the house or not. i've got a husband who thinks the world of me.
a puppy who i just can't get enough of, a new job i can't wait to start and a saviour who takes away
my daily sins (which are many)!
i am so extremely blessed today.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

another big change

lately i've been feeling so extremely blessed...
i've got a wonderful husband who loves me and provides for the majority of our family's needs (my job chips in a smidge)
we've come across a great house that we are on the path to buying.
we've just added a new member to our tiny family...a puppy named mea whom we both love!
and i've even come to be greatful for my not so wonderful job.

God has given us so much that we are so completly unworthy of and tonight
i am reminded of it once again.
I was offered an internship at a consulting firm that i interviewed with a few months ago,
doing what i want to do, writing and editing. can it get any better than that?!

so this is it, my prayers leaving anthropologie look like they are finally being answered.
and it's really funny, or not really funny, but so...God. just when i finally make peace with the fact
that the Lord has placed me in an aweful job with aweful management for a reason, that is when i am
allowed to leave.
i love that. that is so god's way with things.
and it is a lesson well learned, but for my sake, i just wish i would have learned it sooner.

but for now, i'm just so thankful that this chapter in my life is finally coming to a poetic close,
and i finally get to use my college education, and my brain for that matter.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

a new member of the fam.

yesterday we became parents.
ok, puppy parents.
her name is Mea and she is an eight week old
teacup sized bichon frise.

here's the story...
my hub called me at five on friday and told me
he was just leaving his office,
then at five thirty he called again and said he got held up and
now he was really walking out,
so when he got home at six i thought nothing of it
until he made a bee line to me and said, " you know i can't lie to you,
and i know you hate secrets, so that's why i have to tell you that today
i got off work at four to look for a puppy to give you for your birthday, but
they we gross so now i want you to pick one out!"

and i looked at him and laughed and was like, why did you just blurt that out?
you had me completely fooled and i would've been completely surprised, plus, i don't
even want a've convinced me that it's not the right time.

so i guess those mind games were all part of his month or two long master plan...
so yesterday we found a breeder a couple of hours away that had three litters of bichons
and they were all cute and cuddly and clean and not from a puppy mill and i got to pick one and
take it home with me!

choosing a name for her was as stressful (i can imagine) as choosing a name for a child...(doubtful, i know)
and because i didn't get any time to plan for this new addition we were driving to the breeder's reading
road signs, thinking of every puppy and human name we could think of.
eventually curtis said, what's the last movie we saw, which was a 1992 woodey allen movie called "husbands and wives"
with mia farrow
and curtis said that's it, what about mia, but i didn't want people to get it confused with "Mie-uh"
so we decided to spell it either Mea or Meah (not sure yet?)

but she's such a good girl. and it's summertime. time for walks and the park and picnics and it really did seem to feel like something was missing when we would take long evening walks together...and we knew it wasn't baby time yet.
so for now Mea/Meah is our baby. our little 1 lb. furry little baby that pees on newspaper already. what baby does that at eight weeks old?

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

welcome to the world of adulthood

tonight we found out that they accepted our offer on the house...
and so now it's more or less ours,
contingent upon the inspection (which we know it won't pass)
oh the joys of future home ownership...!

buying a house almost makes me feel like an adult.
just like i almost felt like an adult when i get married
and when we signed the papers to buy our first new car...
these are the steps one takes on the path of adulthood
and yet for some reason, most days i still feel like a kid,
or a teenager at best, but nothing like a proper adult most days.

once in a while, my life will flash before me and it'll hit me.
i am a grown-up,
married, with a full-time job, attempting to buy a house
and for a second i'll feel seasoned and mature.

then that moment will pass and my usual insecurities
return and i am again that confused little girl,
scribbling my way through life with my purple crayon
(harold anyone?)

but i think i like it better this way,
i don't have everything figured out.
...and i like to dream about our future dream house while planning for
the reality of living in a little white house
with just enough room for the two of us to play grown-up's together.

Friday, April 27, 2007

house hunting

So, last night was the beginning of our house hunting adventure
with our new howard hannah friend, betsy.

i don't really know what i was expecting to see
when curtis printed off the pictures of the houses in the price range
we potentially can afford. (let's just say the photos were quite decieving!)

i mean, we've only begun discussing the option of buying as opposed to
renting in the upcomming year, and only if it means
it will cost minimally more than we are paying now.

well, lets just say, out of the four houses we looked at last night, only one felt like it wouldn't
collapse on top of us as she was showing them to us.
we left feeling poor, spoiled and so thankful for how the Lord has provided for us up to this point.

so now we are left to sit down and talk and pray together
about the one house we did think had a bit of potential
or whether to sit where we are (where i happen to love) and keep on renting, saving and waiting.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

words of wisdom from the fridge

while cooking dinner tonight
i was playing with my magnetic poetry on the fridge
i think that what i came up with
really speaks to where i am in this season of my life
full of hefty reminders to myself, from myself, from the Lord...
who would have thought magnetic poetry could be so inspiring and convicting.

my every foul

for nothing

celebrate life


in coctails

(ok...that last one, the "in coctails" part is a joke...
curtis thought it was funny! but it really is on my fridge like that)

blessings disguised as cutbacks

sometimes the thing you complain and whine about the most can turn out to
be the thing you need the most without even realizing it...
take today for example:

i got to work at seven,
and promptly found that i had very little work to do for the day so,
the powers that be decided that to cut back on payroll they were going to send me home at noon.

now, typically, i get extremely annoyed by the fact that they can cut back on my hours anytime they want
without any warning to me, and today was without exception except for the fact that i was extremely tired for some reason.
so i kept myself busy until noon and left and suddenly got a pounding headache when i stepped out into the
pouring spring rain.

so, because my day was scaled back to half day i got to go home and take a lovely two hour nap to ward off having to take
my dreaded migraine medicine, instead of working with a splitting headache until it got so bad i had no choice but to
drive home with a piercing migraine at four pm.

sometimes God knows what we need even though it might not be what we might think we want.
today was one of those days...and even though we need the money from those missing hours,
it just gives us one more thing to trust God about, and that's always a good thing.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

top 5

things i am thankful for tonight:

1. health insurance. (i had to pay full price for an rx today, as we are were between insurance plans last week and we don't have our new id cards yet. i'm shocked at how expensive medicine is and at how many people don't have health care. we are so blessed, especially because i am such a sickey!)

2. for my job. yes my job! i know i know, i do hate my job and my boss most days, but it is a job, and i do get to come home at 4:00 pm almost every afternoon and cook my husband dinner and relax at night. Plus weekends off together, can't beat that, we didn't have that for the first three years. i've found the silver lining of the storm cloud.

3. parents. sounds kind of ridiculous but at this point in my life, apart from husband, my parents are my best friends. We have discussed this fact between the two of us because we aren't sure if this is healthy, but we both love to just chill with them, go out with them, talk with them, whatever, just be with them, they are great people, and i'm over the fact that people might think it's weird to like to party with your parents.

4. NPR. i'm getting kind of addicted. i confess, sometimes on my lunch break, i'll take my lunch out to my car just so i can listen to npr while i eat. i'll be the first to admit: curtis is turning me into a nerd.

5: my husband. can't leave him out of this. he is better to me than i am to him. by far. last week he was sick in the middle of the night with a stomach bug, he was moaning, i said, horribly, "can you please stop, i need to sleep." Fast forward to last night. I got some sort of stomach flu, i was whimpering and moaning, he didn't say shut up, he didn't slap me. he rubbed my back, although he did laugh at me as i was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, which is what made me cry, but he is so much more patient with me than i am with him. i'm sorry for keeping you up until 4 am. baby! (but i did still make it to work at 7!)

Thursday, March 22, 2007

breathe. repeat.

on our walk home from dinner tonight,
from a local sandwich shop down the street,
my husband and i were talking about the way i deal with stress
and i said something to the effect of,
"now that these interview are finally over, i can finally relax,"
(granted i get one of the jobs so i don't have to keep enduring this gruling process.
please god, please god.)
then it hit me. this is just one thing.
there will always be some thing to keep me up at night, to stress me out,
to tire me out and test my faith.
and that's when i realized i'm the one who must change.
the aweful way i deal with life and others when i'm exhausted and
overwhelmed needs a readjustment.
the lord spoke to me through my husband's quiet, simple support, yet again,
and through his word when i remembered a verse that he used with me a few years ago
when my life needed other reajustments:
"his kindness leads us to repentance"
it doesn't say his heavy hand or his disappointment leads us to repentance.
for that i am so thankful.

Monday, March 19, 2007

the luckiest. period.

it's been nine months and two days today.
i'm a lucky girl.
i married the most generous, forgiving, and understanding man.

i had a semi-breakdown this weekend...
exhaustion and stress got the best of me and he was there,
with just the right words to set aside my anxiety, self doubt and unbelief.

time flies when you're happy.

I love you curtis. period.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

the uncertainty of trust

to trust in god
despite changes in plans/
disappointing bosses/
cancelled interviews/

faith grows when we don't understand what god is doing.
when we don't understand what is going on and what he is trying to teach us.
but really, deep down, we do.
trust. deep down penetrating faith in the uncertainty of the future.

and i do trust even when i dont know what the outcome holds.
whether i will stay where i am and obediently yeild my will
or, move on thankfully, taking the much anticipated next step.

to trust. i see no other option.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

the beginning of the end...

i've been inspired to write this in a public way...
public in the sense that this is free to read,
free to respond to and that puts me in a very vulnerable position.
i have always been a writer,
those words . i. am. a. writer. get stuck in my throat like a dry pill.
until college i was a closet writer.
then, i was forced to read aloud, critique, analyze.
i began to enjoy the
sweat, the pressure, the dialogue.
i guess that is what i want from this.
a dialogue. with other writers.
open writers. closet writers.
a dialogue with myself.
to force myself to write. despite.
despite laundry. bills. dishes. television. husband.
despite myself.

(thanks kathleen)

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